SAT., NOV. 1, 2003

No one would argue that sitting on your front porch drinking beer and doling out candy (the rocket fuel of pre-adolescent hyperactivity otherwise known as granulated Satan) to the kids is a perfectly enjoyable and respectable way to spend All Hallows Eve. You might even meet a few single folks in the process but it’s unlikely their kids are going to give you a lot of quality time. Tens of thousands of Austinites choose instead the bacchanalian freakshow/circular stampede of Sixth Street. For sheer spectacle it can’t be beat, but if you intend to go against the grain and stop and chat with that hottie in the green M&M outfit, keep in mind that you risk getting nightsticked back into a clockwise orbit – and don’t even think about showing up as the cop from the Village People no matter how well you dance. They have rules against that shit. The safest bet is to stake out a rooftop table sometime Friday morning and hope you’re sober enough to descend the stairs at closing time. Dress as slutty as you want, but remember: No one is more attractive on Halloween night on Sixth Street than someone with a rooftop table. All in all, Halloween night is scary as hell for pretty much everyone except children. Either you’re the shut-in victim of roaming hordes of chocolate-moustached, sugar-high school kids or you’re sweating/freezing your ass off in an itchy, ill-fitting costume screaming to get the attention of an oblivious bartender through the plastic piehole of your thrift store Halloween mask. Face it, in the immortal words of mack daddy Arthur Fonzarelli, “Friday night is amateur night.” If you’re really serious about getting your freak on, skip to Saturday, a.k.a. “Day of the Dead.” Starting at 7:30 down at Moxie and the Compound on South Lamar, Moxie and “Best of Austin” winner Austinmama.com host “Screaming in the Freezer II, an evening of spoken word featuring an adult-only star-studded lineup of artists and entertainers including but not limited to: Diane Fleming, Sarah Barnes, Genevieve Van Cleve, Spike Gillespie, Lauren Lane (of television’s The Nanny), Marion Winik, and master musician/storyteller Matt the Electrician. Admission is free and comes with free drinks courtesy of Tito’s Vodka, plus, you can buy pizza from Roppolo’s to settle your tummy. Later, if you’re feeling kinky from all of the Tito’s and want to kick it up a notch, you should run home, strap on your corset and stiletto heels and head back out to the Vortex on East Manor Road for the Extravagasm Fantasy Ball, a fetish-themed costume party sponsored by Fluffertrax, Forbidden Fruit, and Huge Productions. The Extravagasm is an audience participation-style event complete with fetish performances, fashion parades, slideshows, and live music. Expect to see a lot of zipper masks, ball gags, rubber suits, strap-ons, and leather cut in a variety of ingeniously revealing ways. Admission is $25 and remember: like Vegas, what happens in Austin, stays in Austin.