THU., MAY 4, 2006

At the very, very least, relaxing immigration will broaden and deepen the dating pool … so thumbs up, right? So thought the Wampanoag Nation until they found out that Pilgrims didn’t put out. Not only that, but Pilgrims were pretty much useless at anything except freestyle theology and moral condemnation. Either the Wampanoags were greatly impressed with firearms or just plain sick and tired of staring at each other across the campfire and wanted some company…probably the latter. To add injury to insult, the Wampanoags got diseases and Jesus without the benefit of a reach-around. The lesson to be learned is that Americans, native and non-, are rightly suspicious of immigrants who refuse to assimilate into the existing culture. Sure they bring alcohol, firearms, and funny hats, but they also shoot up all your buffalo and steal your land. Thanks, but no thanks. Things might have been different had the Pilgrims been less stuck up. Maybe they could have offered to translate the Wampanoag National Anthem into English, or cleaned the longhouse, or maybe took a turn or two on the leaf blower, who knows? The point is that ever since the immigrant Europeans exterminated and subjugated all the Native Americans, immigration has turned out to be a good thing in America. Why stop now? America is a mutt, not a wimpering, anemic purebred. We should celebrate the fact that our flavor is in the mix. This Sunday, you can celebrate it with the Topiwala family, owners of Travis Heights’ famous Whip In convenience store. For 20 years these Indians have been selling alcohol to the white man, and they’re celebrating it at the Continental Club with a multiethnic extravaganza that includes bands like Rumbullion, Combo Mahalo, James McMurtry, Heybale!, and the Texas Sapphires, among others. Don’t be stuck up. Whip in.