MON., JAN. 22, 2007

Holy shit, it’s winter! Of course, that doesn’t mean you should try and pitch an ice fishing tent on Town Lake, but it does mean you finally have a quasi-legitimate excuse to rock some socks with your Crocs. Note to sloth: There is no legitimate excuse, so don’t get cocky, crock jockey. Just because in Austin you can wear gym shorts and flip-flops 12 months out of the year doesn’t mean you should. There is comfort and then there is the pig-headed need to prove a point – sort of like when Yankees drive during an ice storm. Yes, the roads are passable, but once every 10 years or so Austin gets to have a snow day, and just because you consider yourself a skillful driver in inclement weather doesn’t mean you have to fuck it up for the rest of us. We’re all pissing ourselves with the prospect of sliding down muddy, ice crusted slopes on soggy pieces of cardboard, so if you’ve intrepidly motored your way into the office, keep it to yourself. There’s a gold star and a fluorescent orange hall monitor vest in your future. If the vest doesn’t keep you warm, your smug superiority will. With exception of the thong, most clothing items don’t make sense in Austin for about eight months out of the year, but even Leslie will throw on some hose and a stewardess jacket when it gets chilly. If you’re one of those types who is insistent on trying to wish away the weather by dressing like you’re headed to a rave in Ibiza, you might want to consult the man who pioneered the 12-month thong look in Austin: Leslie. He may be homeless, hairy, and liver-spotted like George Bush Sr. in the ’92 presidential debates, but he’s also a one-name local celebrity (except when he’s running for mayor). Recently he’s leveraged his cult status with his own dress-up magnet set and MySpace page (www.myspace.com/44499851). Impressive, eh? Point is, no one is more in tune with the shortcomings of fashion slavery than a crossdressing, beer swilling homeless guy, and if Leslie is willing to sacrifice his look for a little warmth, it probably wouldn’t kill you either. You don’t need to read the thermometer. Look at your nipples poking through your wife-beater. Baby it’s cold outside. Either layer up or stay indoors. If you choose the latter, you might want to do it at the Alamo Drafthouse this weekend because Spike and Mike’s Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation is back in town. S&M’s Sick and Twisted is a compendium of cartoons you won’t see on Saturday mornings. Subjects range from insane to obscene and everything in between. This year’s festival includes classics from Dr. Tran and Happy Tree Friends as well as a Schoolhouse Rock style send-up called “My First Boner,” among others. Funny stuff. You might laugh so hard you’ll pee in your thong.