January 29, 2008

If you can listen to KLBJ’s sausagefest morning show without wanting to put a fist through your windshield, then Pleasurefest ’08 is probably going to be right up your alley, especially if you’re thinking that “up your alley” is some sort of clever homo euphemism for your tradesman’s entrance. Whether you’re willing to admit it or not, by listening to the KLBJ morning show you’re showing solidarity with the devil-horns tongue-flick crowd. You may not drive a louvered window Camaro or a wallet on a chain, and you may not rock it in a wife beater, halter-top, or Kentucky Waterfall, but in your heart of hearts that’s how you’d like to roll. You may not blow your lunch money on Hooters, Bikinis, Twin Peaks, or the surf and turf at Sugar’s, but as long as you’re eating, why not enjoy a little eye candy as well, right? And when it comes to sex, you’re the type who likes to explore every facet of your sensuality – ideally in less than five minutes with your pants at your ankles. What you don’t know or haven’t tried you can surely fill in with a quick visit to your favorite Internet porn site. After all, who could possibly know more about pleasure than porn stars? Anyone who has ever watched porn knows that the actors aren’t really acting; they’re truly wracked with violent, shuddering spasms of pleasure – well, after a few tortuous minutes of obligatorily contrived “need-a-plumber/let-me-see-your-tool” setup. The problem with the Internet is that it involves literacy – computer literacy at the very least – which isn’t your strong suit. You’re the type of person who learns best in a 3-D, interactive environment, which makes Pleasurefest just the ticket for you. Instead of sitting at home painting your desktop monitor with pearl drops, at Pleasurefest you can actually meet and take pictures with porn star Brooke Haven. Is that her real name? Are those things really real? Does she really get into it like she’s acting like she does? Those are just a few of the questions you won’t remember to ask in Dale and Bob’s Ask a Porn Star session. Don’t worry, there’s plenty more to be dumbfounded by as well. There’s also “Miss Maulie” in her giant martini glass, a “gravity defying pole demo” by Mercy Killings, a lingerie show by Tabu, burlesque performances by Kitty Kitty Bang Bang and Southern Sirens as well as cash giveaways and more. All told, there’s probably nothing you’re going to take away from this deal other than some unrealistic expectations about the opposite sex that will undermine any chance at a meaningful relationship therewith, but you’re probably going to have a kickass time anyway. And if the legacy of this fest is you spending more time shellacking your computer screen instead of being out on the streets procreating, then mission accomplished, right?