May 5, 2009

Getting laid on Mother’s Day is, to say the very least, problematic – unless, of course, you’re actually a mother. Then you can get it pretty much any way you want it as long as you’re not too tired, cranky, or bitter from the memory of having to force an extra-large coconut out of your vajayjay. Cheer up, Mom, at least you know you’ve more than earned your plaster of Paris ashtray with the tiny hand print, the construction-paper flower with Junior’s picture in it, your husband’s thoughtful gift of spiced-pear bath salts from Bed Bath & Beyond. Just think, if the Ghost of Mother’s Day Future had the mercy to lead you down this dark road years ago, you might have ripped out your ovaries with your bare hands … or at least remembered to take your birth control pills. Still, no use crying over spilled placenta, eh? There’s a statute of limitations on postpartum depression. Certainly you should perk up once your bundle of joy starts trying to make his or her own – unless she’s 12 and dating a biker who looks like David Allan Coe. If your kids are younger than that, you’re all set to get freaky. Just wedge a chair under the bedroom doorknob, and hope your ankle-biters don’t fall down an abandoned well or find Daddy’s hair-triggered Glock in the roughly 15 minutes it’s going to take him to drive you to Bliss City. If you’re a dad looking to score on Mother’s Day, tread lightly. Remember your paternal credit rating is based almost entirely on the one good sperm you managed to donate when the time was right, which is why it doesn’t hurt to score a really good dinner reservation. If you don’t have kids, your odds are slightly better but still a far cry from spectacular. Just because you haven’t yet spawned doesn’t mean you don’t have a mother, and she’s probably going to want to know what you’re up to on this special day, very likely at a highly inopportune moment. Try to remember to wipe off the Astroglide before you answer the cell phone, and, more importantly, remember that you’re not going to be able to wrap up the call in time to save the mood, so try to work out some hand signals to let your lover know that he or she might as well slap on a bathrobe and go whip up some French toast. If you actually are one of those happy few who manage to reach climax on Mother’s Day, pause for a moment and give your creator (hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin) props for providing such a wonderful motherhood incentive program. You should give your mom props, too. Even if you forgot to send her a card or a handprint ashtray, it will still probably make her day. Lastly, if you can’t make your own mother’s day, how about making someone else’s? Sunday night Antone’s is hosting a benefit for Max Moses, a 9-year-old who contracted Leukemia back in January. For $15, you can listen to live music by the Calm Blue Sea, Exit, Johnny Goudie, Shane Bartell, John Pointer, Topaz, Uncle Bruno, the Jolly Garogers, and Fort Worth’s Chatterton. You can also bid in the silent auction for things such as Austin City Limits Music Fest passes, vintage clothes, massages, and haircuts. Your mom probably wanted you to get a haircut anyway, right?