September 29, 2009

This is a big weekend for music lovers – or at the very least for people who like to watch music being made. Unlike a football game, a bullfight, or a tittie-bar pole dance, watching live music demands rapt attention. You don’t want to miss a second. For instance … what if the bass player stops looking at his fretting hand and gives a slight nod to his drug dealer offstage? Twitter that shit, yo. He may not do anything that exciting for the rest of the set. Besides, the dude offstage might not be his drug dealer at all. It might be Matthew McConaughey … baked to his gills! Tuh to the motherfucking weet! “Thrz is zo mrch fn! RcknRpll!” If you find the bass player visually captivating, check out the drummer. He may not be Darren King from Mute Math, but he’s the most animated person onstage. He’s moving his arms and his legs! You could stand there in the dust and the heat for hours and watch him hit that snare drum again and again and again. Fascinating. How does he do it? If you stare at him long enough in gap-jawed wonderment, you’re sure to figure it out. Samesies for the guitar player. You would expect him to stand perfectly still so he can concentrate on his intricate fingering, but no! He’s thrashing around like a crazy person, making weird faces, and flinging his guitar picks out to all the hot ladies. If he were on a street corner doing the same thing minus the guitar, you would probably insist the police take him out with a tranquilizer dart, but instead he’s onstage and you’re throwing him your hotel room key. Why? Because he’s so damned sexy! The crazy thing is that the guitarist isn’t even half as exciting to watch as the lead singer. Now there’s a character! When he reaches out in front of him and grabs thin air and pulls it back into his chest with a clenched fist, you can actually feel your panties sliding down your legs. He must be some kind of magical sorcerer. You are completely under his spell. When he claps his hands above his head, you clap your hands above your head. When he holds out the microphone to the audience, you automatically sing – even if you don’t really know the words! “OMG thid is brdass!” you Tweet. Every morning in the shower, you belt out atonal, wrong-lyric versions of these songs, but that doesn’t hold a Bic lighter to squealing like a spooked sow in the middle of several thousand other sweaty live-music fans. Otherwise, why would you have dropped a couple hundred bucks on a wristband that doesn’t even help cure cancer? That just makes no sense. No sense at all. No, you ponied up the cash because live music is awesomely exciting to watch – sort of like demolition derby only with a much nicer VIP section, and, of course, demolition derby doesn’t last all day. Even still, there are so many bands and so little time. How will you see them all? Well, get to Toney Burger stadium early on Saturday and plant your ass on the 50-yard line. That way you’re sure to get the best possible view of all 25 bands in this year’s Capital City Marching Festival. They might not do a lot of microphone-stand crotch-rubbing, but rest assured: These bands know how to move. In fact, it’s part of their act! Plus, unlike other music festivals, this one actually has a winner. Now that’s American! Here’s the best part: It’s only $7 to get in … oh, and the restrooms have running water!