November 3, 2009

Halloween is over. Time to put the sparkly unicorn costume back in the closet … at least until Carnaval. Now begins the ugly slog to Thanksgiving, which offers very little in the way of entertainment unless you’re into football, distended bellies, and stale beer farts. Exhibitionism? Forget it. Your two choices are Pocahontas and Pilgrim, and nobody, not even Johnny Depp, can make buckle shoes look cool. Try it. Wear buckle shoes. See if the grade schoolers in your neighborhood don’t hang you on a doorknob by your underwear. If you’re going to roll Pilgrim style, back it up with a loaded blunderbuss. At the very least, you’ll be able to shoot your TV set if the Aggies manage to somehow pull off the upset. Until then, however, you’ve got three solid weeks of fall to grind through – perhaps the greenest fall ever. Poke your head out the window, and you’ll swear little Cinderella birds are going to start landing on your shoulders. This fall may be the best spring Austin has ever had. Time to slam some Allegra and start acting like the fun, outdoorsy person you described in your Facebook profile. You know, the one who likes hiking, biking, camping, running, skydiving … those sorts of things. Yes, it’s true there’s probably an iPhone app for all that shit. There’s also probably an iPhone app that will simulate a hot, ripped bod too, and maybe your iPhone avatar is totally getting laid tonight, but you on the other hand will only be getting fatter, paler, and dumber. The only person currently cashing in on that ugly triumvirate is Rush Limbaugh, and he’s pretty much cornered the market. If you’ve been a little too long jacked into the Matrix, don’t despair. You don’t have to look like an Abercrombie model to enjoy a beautiful day. You could just throw on some sweats and go lie in the grass somewhere. Your first thought might have been Zilker – if only a quick shudder of sense memory recalling the Austin City Limits Music Fest puddin’ people. But Zilker isn’t the only place in Austin where you can sit your ass in some grass. According to the Austin Parks and Recreation Department, there are 206 parks, 12 preserves, and 26 greenbelts in the Austin area. That’s a lot of dogs with bandanas, Frisbee golfers, power walkers, moms with toddlers, and creepy dudes looking for anonymous gay sex. You should be able to find some little patch of green where you can have peaceful commune with Mother Nature. If that fails, you can always join the trampling hordes of hipsters down at Waterloo Park this weekend for Fun Fun Fun Fest, a festival so cool that the headliner is the Jesus Lizard … or maybe Danzig … or Shonen Knife. Then again, a decent case could be made for Brian Posehn or the Whitest Kids U’Know … or maybe U don’t. If none of the preceding ring a bell, then the rest of the lineup will be completely unfamiliar to you unless you’re under the age of 21 or wear shoes that sort of look like athletic shoes but really aren’t athletic shoes because they have too much leather and are available in colors like wasabi, chocolate, and cantaloupe. You might also have an Amish beard and carry a messenger bag even though the only message you’re carrying is on your T-shirt. It says: “Under the Influence of Jesus.” You don’t mean it. You’re 43. You also have Crystal Antlers, Lucero, Hannibal Buress, Gorilla Biscuits, Rat King, and Fuck Buttons in heavy rotation on your iPhone 3G – not because you’re trying to impress people with your musical eclecticism but because you love music. Yeah, that’s it. If you’re someone else, think of it this way: Out of 90 acts you would think at least one has a chance of actually making a name for itself, so, money well spent.