June 8, 2009

This weekend the Republic of Texas Biker Rally is coming to town to take a big ol’ trailer-trash shit on the Austin aesthetic. Chain Drive notwithstanding, sweaty leather, stretched tattoos, and farting Harleys don’t dovetail too well with the Austin state of mind. It’s like your obnoxious, foul-mouthed, ex-con uncle from Pasadena just showed up and asked if he and his old lady can crash on your couch for the weekend. He’s really a great guy to have around if you’re rebuilding your carburetor, going out to score some meth, or doing shots of Tequila in a Mexican whorehouse, but you really don’t want him moving in with you, even if he is on the same branch of your family tree. Bikers are a generally fun loving lot, which is a big part of the reason they’re such crappy houseguests. They always seem really intent on having a good time even and especially if their idea of a good time doesn’t necessarily coincide with yours. That devil-may-care attitude might help explain the ROT Rally events schedule, which is either an awesome, kickass good time or a nightmarish, lowbrow carnival, depending on your tattoo count. Here are some of the good times in store for motorcycle enthusiasts: Xtreme Fight Championship (don’t let that stick in your craw – bikers don’t lose a lot of sleep over spelling), midget wrestling (as if regular wrestling were just a bit too politically correct), biker comedienne Bag Lady Sue (was Larry the Cable Guy not available?), Biker Games by Buda (these include the Fuzzy Ball Race, the Weenie Bite, the Keg Push and the Panty Race – is it still Pride Weekend?), the World Famous Wall of Death (nothing screams fun like death), wet T-shirt contests (really, it’s hot enough that the real contest is to see who can keep their T-shirt dry and their nipples perky), and the “longest parade of motorcycles known to mankind” (especially if you’re trying to cross Congress). Of course, the pièce de résistance (the maraschino cherry on top of the peanut-buster parfait?) will be Kaptain (again with the spelling) Robbie Knievel’s Jump at the Capitol. As part of his Farewell Tour, the Kaptain will be jumping his motorcycle over three Budweiser semis. Yes, three. Simmer down. You might remember that a year ago he jumped over 24 Coke Zero trucks, but they were lined up side by side. The Budweiser trucks will be end-to-end, which should make it easier to read the logos while the Kaptain flies 180 feet over them, and if you’re watching it from the right perspective, the Capitol dome as well. With Knievel’s jump, ROT Rally organizers are hoping to attract more families to Congress Avenue, even though they have banned anyone under the age of 18 out at the Expo Center – perhaps to cut down on statutory rape or to make sure they’re getting truly authentic midgets. Friday night on Congress however, “the Man” can’t keep you or your children from witnessing first-hand the blessings (curses?) of freedom: Fat, hairy dudes wearing “fuck you, you fucking fuck” T-shirts, septuagenarian biker bitch boobage, meth-rotted tooth gaps (oh, that ROT Rally), and a seemingly endless array of sleeveless denim, leather, and sweat-stained DayGlo. The good news is that if you aren’t struck hysterically blind by all this, you’ll get to see a truly spectacular array of beautiful and lovingly cared for machines, plus the daredevil antics of the Kaptain himself.