February 3, 2010

Flamingo Cantina

Last Thursday Willie Nelson canceled his show in Kenansville, N.C., because of pain in his hand. Shortly before the announcement, six members of Nelson’s band and crew were charged with possession of moonshine and possession of marijuana by local law enforcement officers. The rest of the world understands implicitly that the pain in Willie’s hand was really in his ass, metaphorically speaking, much in the same way the rest of the world knows that if you search one of Willie’s buses, you’re going to find pot, maybe even some corn squeezins. The real question is why law enforcement officers were on the bus in the first place. As insane as it sounds, there are a few possible explanations: Rip Torn might have left his hat and boots outside Willie’s bus door. That would be a red flag for sure. Apparently Torn has been tooling around lately with a loaded .22 caliber revolver in his pocket. Doesn’t sound too lethal until you consider the fact that he once hit Norman Mailer in the head with a hammer for being a shitty director. A hammer. Yes, Mailer probably had it coming, if only for sheer hubris, but even still we don’t want to risk Torn getting ripped on white lightning and emptying his clip on Willie, who everyone knows is a pacifist, despite his duets with Toby Keith. You might also have to call out the Barney Fife Brigade if Osama bin Laden were rumored to be on Willie’s bus. Yes, he would have to be a complete moron to hide out on what has essentially become a rolling lightning rod for every frustrated ex hall monitor-turned-assistant deputy, but it still has the allure of being one of the last places a reasonable person might look. Besides, lose the turban and Osama pretty much looks like any other dude at Mohawk or Liberty … especially if he could fit into some skinny jeans and master the facial memes of middle-class irony. Then again, there could have actually been a fire on the bus. That might explain why North Carolina Alcohol Law Enforcement officers rushed to the scene. Maybe they were first responders. Maybe they saw a plume of smoke rising from Willie’s bus door and saw an opportunity for heroism. Could you blame them if their hopes were crushed when all they found were a bunch of stoned geezers drinking moonshine – a geriatric analog of Spicoli’s van? Nothing is more depressing than finding out that old people are having more fun than you are – especially when they’re making several times your salary doing it. Why do you think Tommy Chong ended up doing time? You can’t just walk around all the time with a shit-eating grin and not expect to get hassled by the Man. You can, however, ease your anxiety about getting hassled by staying constantly baked. That probably explains why when Bee and the crew were asked to turn over the drugs they did so immediately and without protest. Maybe they even invited the A.L.E. agents to burn one. You never know. Regardless, you can’t bust Willie and his acolytes for smoking pot. It’s un-American. Even Toby Keith would say so. Busting Willie’s people for pot is like sending undercover narcs to a Bob Marley festival: fish in a barrel. There’s no honor in that … barely even any sport. Speaking of, the Flamingo Cantina is celebrating Bob’s birthday this Saturday starting at 9pm with the Mau Mau Chaplains, Don Chani, Subrosa Union, and Winston’s Caribbean Kitchen. You should go down and celebrate with them, but maybe, just to be safe, leave your moonshine at home.