August 10, 2010

Top Drawer Thrift

Need some new clothes? If you’re going to drop coin on that David Bowie “Let’s Dance” button-down shirt at Target, you might as well strap on a pair of golf cleats and do a river dance on a litter of baby seal pups. Oh yeah, and if you truly are that heartless, at least make sure you buy your golf cleats at a thrift store, otherwise you might as well stomp on yet another litter of baby seal pups. Fashion is a bloody business … even when PETA isn’t involved. On the other hand, every time you buy some type of hot new designer togs, you’re giving some 9-year-old Asian kid a valuable 14-hour-a-day job. Sleep well, clothes pony. You might have saved that child from a life of prostitution and homelessness. Of course, buying new clothes and cleating baby seal pups aren’t the only ways of raping the environment. There are literally tons and tons of brand-new useless things you can buy that will not only clutter and complicate your own life but will also waste environmental resources and litter up the earth. Here’s a good rule when shopping: If you see something made out of plastic that also comes packaged in plastic, buy it. When you pay for it, ask them to put it in a plastic bag. Congratulations! You just gave one or more multinational petrochemical corporations something known as a “happy ending.” Remember, even as you read this, American patriots are giving their lives to keep you flush with plastic. Don’t dishonor their service by easing off the throttle of your mindless consumerism. Keep buying shit. Don’t worry about paying for it – you can use plastic. That way, not only are you giving a multinational petrochemical corporation a happy ending, you’re giving a multinational financial institution one as well. You also might want to buy a pair of plastic safety goggles and a plastic rain poncho, because at this point, the corporate jizz will be flowing pretty thick. Sounds like a Japanese porn site, but what else can you do? It’s not like you’re going to start raising chinchillas or Angora goats or, worse yet, hemp, which unlike the first two is not only batshit crazy but illegal. Cotton farming is also problematic in that it involves farming cotton, which is a bigger pain in the ass than trying to shave a goat in the middle of August in Texas. Nothing feels better than a face full of wool on a hot, sweaty summer day … and no, that’s not a euphemism. Even if you did somehow miraculously raise enough chinchillas to slaughter, you would still have to figure out something attractive to do with their pelts … something that doesn’t look like it was designed by Leatherface from Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Sewing is tedious work anyway – the sort of thankless toil Asian preteens are best suited for, apparently. Instead of spending sleepless nights wracked with guilt over the child labor syndicate you’re running by proxy from a self-service checkout stand at Walmart, maybe you should seriously consider buying your clothes secondhand. At least when you buy used clothing, you know what they’re going to look like after a few washings. Not only that, you get the good feeling of knowing you didn’t throw an extra dead baby seal on humanity’s trash heap … or at least the plastic equivalent. Sometimes too, if you’re really lucky, the place you go thrift shopping will exist for the sole benefit of raising money for a charitable organization, just like Top Drawer Thrift does for Project Transitions. This Saturday, Aug. 14, from 10am to 7pm, Top Drawer is celebrating its 17th anniversary with an all-day party featuring special deals, music, food, drink, and a raffle. You really should drop by and see what Top Drawer have in your size. You might be amazed. Even if you’re not, you can still get fed, watered, and rocked without paying a dime. Should be funner than a baby seal golf cleat river dance.