November 15, 2010

ND Austin

How about one last chance to party like a porn star before the wet blanket of holiday wholesomeness spoils all the fun? Sure, nothing makes you want to flick your tongue between your devil horns like the thought of a crisp, rosy-cheeked night of wassailing bundled up in cozy, androgynous winter layering, but somewhere in the deep, depraved recesses of your mind you’d rather be nearly naked, slathered in baby oil, and writhing around on a crowded, pulsating dance floor – or at least you would rather be watching something like that, perhaps through the unzipped mouth hole of a leather gimp suit. Remember, you’re only about a week away from the maddening boredom of Thanksgiving Day, your yearly ritual of binge-eating bland pilgrim food then slumping catatonically on the living room sofa and listening to your catnapping grandpa’s stale beer farts ricochet off his vinyl recliner. There’s a reason they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Ibiza – and it’s not because they can’t get the A&M game on satellite. Hot on the heels of Puritanfest is Christmas, which tops off the Turkey Day wholesomeness with a huge layer of cheese: shamelessly crass commercialism, frog-in-a-blender color scheme, Lawrence Welk soundtrack, garish, Vegas-style lighting displays. Of course, the cherry on top of Christmas is the children: snot-nosed, greedy little chumps who believe a fat man from the North Pole with an unironic hipster beard is going to drop down their chimneys and deposit Call of Duty: Black Ops in their stockings. Why? Because they’ve spent the last few months scrawling deranged, incomprehensible shopping lists for Santa, fucking up the lyrics to “Jingle Bells,” and leaving half-finished candy canes in either the crack in the sofa or their little sister’s hair. Yes, children have their place during the holidays, and that place is called “Grandma and Grandpa’s house.” That way, instead of spoiling your holiday party mojo with their incessant whining about being hungry, wanting to go to sleep, and needing to have their soiled pull-ups changed, they can instead while away prime time with the blue-hairs drinking eggnog, making popcorn garlands, and watching Jimmy Stewart stammer his way through It’s a Wonderful Life. After all, Christmas is for kids, isn’t it? For adults, it’s more about finding excuses to binge-drink in order to forget about all the credit card debt they’re piling up. So, before the boring pall of the holiday season descends, blow it out one last time this Friday, Nov. 19, at Extravagasm Fantasy Ball IX: East of Hedon. Friday’s ball is an exotic, erotic dance party featuring the Brass Ovaries Pole Dancers, Miss Sophie, the Jigglewatts, Sky Candy aerialist Miss Winnie, the Golden Go-Go Squad, Starlite with Shi Feticcio, and music by DJ Cauzeone and DJ Orion. Along with the erotic dancing there will be fantasy photos by Flash, chocolate body-painting, and spanking stations. If that’s not freaky enough for you, keep this in mind: If they’re willing to let a name like “East of Hedon” slide, it’s a pretty sure bet anything goes, so bring an open mind and maybe some wet naps.