January 27, 2012

What does the doctor do to you if you have a hard-on for more than four hours after taking Viagra? And why is a four-hour hard-on a bad thing? – Chuck

It’s called priapism, named after Priapus, the Greek god of fertility who had an absurdly large and permanently erect penis. As exciting as it sounds, priapism doesn’t make your dick absurdly large. Bummer, right? Seriously – how awesome would it be to have someone look at your johnson and say, “Dude, that thing is absurdly large. You may need to consult a physician.” That is the point at which you say “Right?” and then bump knuckles and blow it up (the knuckles, not your penis). You’ll be feeling swell all right … well, until you develop gangrene and your pecker falls off. OK, here’s an important disclaimer: Even though I am a fake doctor, I have to admit I have never seen a gangrenous dick fall off. That was hyperbole. In fact, I have never even seen a gangrenous dick. Color me blessed. To answer your question, however, if I were a real doctor and I were treating someone for priapism, I might give them and ice pack and a pep talk, or perhaps I would inject the affected corpus cavernosum with alpha-agonists … or, if necessary, surgically insert a shunt, which sounds really nasty (did the doctor just say the “sh” word?) but it’s really just an artificial plastic hole to keep your fluids flowing. Yep, that still sounds pretty nasty. If things took a really desperate turn, I might aspirate the penis. Though it sounds pleasant, “aspirate” is actually a tricky doctor term for the process of sucking fluid out with a bigass syringe. If you’ve ever had a tennis elbow or a trick knee aspirated by a doctor, you know enough to first request a tea glass full of strong whiskey and a leather strap to bite down on. Sounds bad, eh? Well, Chuck, it is. Even if you’re having trouble putting together a mental image, rest assured nothing positive comes from any association of the words “needle” and “dick,” even and especially if it’s what your partner is muttering during sex. Truth is, most people outside the porn industry hadn’t even dreamed of a four-hour erection until they heard the disclaimer at the end of erectile dysfunction commercials. They probably hadn’t heard the term “anal leakage” either – at least until the advent of fat-free potato chips. The modern world is a scary place, Chuck. Try to keep your dick in your pants.