November 10, 2010

Mohawk

If you’re looking to get laid, there’s probably an app for that, it just won’t be as good as the real thing. Building a program that simulates a pan flute isn’t exactly the same as building one that stimulates your skin flute. This may come as a shock, but there are already several masturbation apps for the iPhone – one allows you to shake an onscreen image of a fish until a milky liquid oozes out of its mouth. Another is a geolocation app that allows users to place penis icons on a map to show the most recent place they had sex or masturbated. Nice. Seems like a great way to avoid getting nailed by an errant money shot while innocently walking your dog through Pease Park. Speaking of, maybe someone will whip(?) up a map app for people who don’t scoop their dog’s poop … or how about one for people who vomit frequently? There is also iVibe, an app that turns your iPhone into a vibrator. You might want to get a waterproof case for that one … or maybe not. It is, after all, just an iPhone. If you’re one of those skeptical types who aren’t totally on Apple’s cock, you might be happier with the Android. The Android has an app store called MiKandi that carries actual porn apps: things like 3D Mobile Porn (you’re probably safer wearing some sort of eye protection anyway), a YouPorn app (because YouPorn is so hard to find on your Web browser), and Sincasso, a nasty photo-sharing app which, like YouPorn, has a shamefully derivative name and boasts a “super clean user interface” as one of its features. Hmmm … sounds hygienic. You might think that MiKandi’s cesspool of smut apps might give Apple the moral high ground over the Android filth mongers, but you’d sort of be wrong. iPhone users can still surf the same freaky porn that pervs, sexual deviants, and mimes leer at all day long in their mothers’ moldy basements. The difference with iPhone is that they don’t allow porn apps – well, except for soft porn apps like the Cosmo Sex Position of the Day app, which features flesh-colored silhouettes going at it in a variety of unrealistic, uncomfortable, and unstable ways. It’s surely a lot of fun to look at – especially if you have a Mattel-ish hostility toward nipples, but put into actual practice by real people, it has all the titillating allure of a farty Bikram yoga class. Successful as its app may be, Cosmo is unlikely to follow it up with a Oral Sex Tips app, and even if it did, it’s unlikely Apple would approve it. They’re not porn merchants … or even pimps for porn merchants. Apple has your back like that. You won’t fall into the pits of perdition on Apple’s watch – well, at least not yet. There may be a game-changing app just around the corner that’s so awesomely filthy/hilarious/shocking that Apple just won’t be able to refuse it – especially if everyone is buying Droids just to get it. Who knows what the future holds? Well, if you want an idea, show up at Mohawk Tuesday, Nov. 16, from 6 to 9pm for the Chronicle and South by Southwest ScreenBurn’s Game On Austin, a free event where local game developers will be on hand to show off their latest wares, some of which may actually be designed for the iPhone … or perhaps those filthy, filthy Droids.