Friday, March 2, 2012

Dear Luv Doc, A few weeks ago, my husband and I put a small vegetable garden in our backyard – mostly beans, tomatoes, and spinach. We finally have a few seedlings coming up, but they are being torn up by a cat who poops in the garden and then covers his poop by scratching holes in our garden and destroying the seedlings. How can we discourage this cat from pooping in our garden? – Tested in Travis Heights I would suggest a Remington 220 Swift with a night-vision scope and a 60-grain hollow-point shell for maximum accuracy and spread on impact, but judging by the intensity of your anger, I don’t think you’ll be satisfied by anything less than choking that cat out personally. Be forewarned, however, that strangling a Felis domesticus is risky business – something that would require elbow-length Kevlar gloves at the very least – and Kevlar gets pricey. Plus (and I know it sounds like I’m trying to piss in the punch bowl here), Austin is a “no kill” city that prides itself on the compassionate treatment of animals, which, it pains me to say, extends even to cats who crap in your garden. Therefore, you may want to find a surrogate to do your dirty work for you. I know that goes against the whole essence of gardening, but do you really want a bunch of otter-scrubbin’, Sierra Clubbin’, tree-huggin’ neighbors all up in your chili just because you’ve got a revenge boner? Of course not, but if, for instance, the wild coyote you have chained up next to your garden decides to eat some pussy, he’s just acting on his natural instinct. You can facilitate the healing by scheduling some therapy sessions with the coyote and your neighbors so they can work through their issues. The coyote idea can backfire, however – much like a pair of Acme rocket skates – because coyotes really are wily and yours might eventually escape and do something embarrassing like eating your neighbor’s free-range chickens or mauling their toddler. Besides, I’m not entirely sure it’s legal to chain a wild coyote in your backyard. Maybe a pit bull. They’re pretty safe, but if cat meat makes it deranged by blood lust, what are you going to do? Buy a tiger? That’s just ridiculous. Where does it end? Maybe the thing to do is to buy a Havahart trap and bait it with some Friskies and maybe relocate the cat to a shelter where it can find a new home far away from your garden. And if the trap should bounce off the back of your flatbed on the way to the shelter as you’re driving across the South First Street Bridge at 3am … well, at least you tried, didn’t you?