Here’s a quick rundown of dope shit at this year’s South by Southwest Interactive festival. If you ain’t got a badge, you’re broke and you ain’t got no business being up in there anyway.

FRIDAY, MARCH 9
Smokey Bear Tweetup 5pm, Assembly Room, InterContinetal Stephen F. Austin
Expect a rapt roomful of hirsute gay men and furries as the OG furry Smokey (no homo) shares how he keeps young pyros chill with his tight tweets.

SATURDAY, MARCH 10
Check Yo-Self Before U Wreck Yo-Self: Start-Up Metrics of the Masters 2pm Hilton, Salon C
Reread the name. That’s the real title. Start-up metrics are probably tedious as fuck, but this group of panelists will surely blow the roof off the mother with their fearless use of white Ebonics.

SUNDAY, MARCH 11
Mad CSS3 Skillz 12:30pm, Radisson Town Lake Ballroom
The Lord Almighty has a raging boner for chicks who can whip up a phat UI with CSS3 and HTML5. You will, too.

MONDAY MARCH 12
Race: Know When To Hold It and Know When To Fold It 5pm, Austin Convention Center, Room 9ABC
A panel made up of four black people and a white guy named Scott who “know[s] black hair and can both braid and cornrow” co-opts a Kenny Rogers song title for their panel on diversity. That shit is Country Strong. Bridge = built.