Butthole Surfers Halloween Shows

October 26, 2010

The Scoot Inn

The best thing about Halloween isn’t the candy; it’s about making memories. Sure, it’s plenty of fun to get all jacked up on candy corn and Pixy Stix and run through the neighborhood wilding trick-or-treaters in your flammable Chinese-made Darth Vader costume, but when the sugar rush subsides, a night of whacking unsuspecting kids on the back of the head with an inflatable plastic red lightsaber is just going to seem a little childish no matter how fun it was. Plus … and this is an important thing to remember … if you’re looking to get laid on Halloween or any other night of the year, it’s best to avoid places with children altogether – even and especially if you’re a pedophile. This is not to say you can’t score some strange with children around, but they do make it immensely more dangerous and difficult. No doubt there are brave souls who managed to achieve coitus on a McDonald’s playscape at 3:30 in the afternoon, but they are probably few and far between and incarcerated with muscled-up cellmates who share an equal penchant for risky sexual behavior. Besides, everyone knows going to McDonald’s is a bad idea – especially if you’re wanting to eat a taco. So really, even though you’re certain that your assless altar boy robe will be the hit of the elementary school Halloween carnival, you may want to save it for someplace where subtle irony is better understood and appreciated … like the Chain Drive for instance. You’ll make memories there that will last a lifetime too, and you’re less likely to end up on a sex offender Google map. Of course, you don’t have to engage in outrageous behavior to make memories, but outrageous behavior definitely makes memories that last – especially if they’re outrageous enough to get you tagged in an action photo on Facebook. Don’t hate. Facebook is just extra incentive to come up with a well-designed costume, ideally something with a comfortable mask – a mask that won’t fall off should you decide to do a keg stand in that Cinderella dress that was so long you decided you might as well go commando. As long as your luchador mask is laced up tight, you can claim that lots of other girls probably have a crucifix pull target with an inscription that reads, “Everybody gets nailed sometime.” Normally only your proctologist gets to see that far beneath your panty line, so it’s unlikely your boss is going to have the balls to call you on it. Point is, the only obstacles to making the memory of a lifetime are things like self-consciousness, self-esteem, and a sense of dignity and propriety. With proper costuming, you can abandon all that and get down to the dirty business of making lasting memories – or at the very least, shockingly hilarious YouTube videos with millions of hits. Being outrageous isn’t all that difficult. It just means that you have to be willing to go where other people aren’t. If you want a good example of how to do that, you should study up on the Butthole Surfers, who have been bringing the punk rock equivalent of shock and awe for more than a quarter century: cross-dressing, nudity, flames, destruction, blood (fake and real), all accompanied by screeching, roaring, howling soundscapes and epilepsy-inducing light shows. This weekend at the Scoot Inn, the Butthole Surfers will be playing Friday and Sunday shows that are sure to pack the Scoot to the gills. Friday night’s performance will focus on material from the band’s 1987 Locust Abortion Technician, and Sunday night’s Halloween show pairs the Surfers with fellow punk legends the Meat Puppets, who are calling Austin home these days. You could wear a costume for the Halloween show, but first and foremost, wear some earplugs, the bands will surely take care of making memories.

Goblin Gayla

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October 20, 2010

Tiniest Bar in Texas

No, it’s not Halloween just yet, but it is the beginning of the Halloween season. That means there’s a crispness to the night air, but it’s not crispy enough to keep you from sweating like a Chilean miner (and going blind like one too) inside that homemade ape suit you got for a steal on Craigslist. Really, any costume involving rubber and fur is always a bad idea in Austin. You don’t want to have to sip your gin and juice through a straw jammed into a nose hole. You don’t want to have to pee into an astronaut diaper. Yes, Halloween is the second biggest Holiday after Christmas, but it’s not big enough to actually warrant true suffering. That’s what all those other holidays are about. Halloween, like spring break, is a time for binge drinking in skimpy outfits. You don’t want to wear anything that can’t be quickly yanked down to your ankles while you pop a quick squat behind a dumpster on Sixth Street. No, seriously. If you think you’re going to find a vacant public bathroom stall anywhere Downtown in the next 10 days, you may want to get back on your meds. Available bathrooms during Halloween are as rare as buying a winning lottery ticket or getting in the fast-moving lane at the bank drive-through. That kind of thing only happens to other, wholly undeserving people. Yes, there are those who would argue that skimpy costumes aren’t scary. Au contraire. Not even Borat can rock a Borat slingshot without making normal people throw up a little in their mouths, and he’s a movie star. Imagine how scary average people would be if they were wearing something similar: birthmarks, moles, body hair, muffin tops, saddle bags, beer guts, goiters, cysts, varicose veins – really, there’s nothing more profoundly disturbing than the average human body on display. Even still, if you’re one of those lucky few who is blessed with supermodel looks and an awesome body, you still don’t have to suffer to be scary. Just pick up something sexy – say a European male swimsuit or a string bikini from a thrift store, then hose yourself down with fake blood. That way, if you get really drunk and fall down and crack your head open trying to jump over a vomit patch in your 4-inch stiletto heels, no one will even notice. Don’t worry, guys fall down wearing stiletto heels on Halloween all the time – especially in Austin. It’s no big deal. They just get up, dust off their bikinis, and get back to being the best slutty, blood-and-vomit stained zombie booze weasel they can be. After all, if you’re going to do Halloween, do it all the way. It’s one of the few two-week periods of the year that you can try out being someone more drunk, outrageous, and slutty than you normally are and still get a pass when it’s all over. Awesome, right? Well, you can start this weekend at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Pride Foundation’s Goblin Gayla. No, that isn’t misspelled. Saturday night at the Tiniest Bar in Texas, AGLPF will be hosting a mad bash complete with apple-bobbing, a photo booth, tarot card readings, a wig auction, two DJs, dancing, and, of course, cocktails. Note to the Debbie Downers and Killjoys: Costumes are optional.

Austin Yam Jam

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October 16, 2010

Threadgill’s World HQ

Every time you’re tempted to moan about another benefit for some musician who wrecked his car, had his equipment trailer jacked, or broke his wanking arm in a spectacular dive into an apathetic mosh pit, remember that in Austin, benefit money usually flows the other way – and by a large margin. It’s amazing that a city with such abundant wealth habitually relies on the inhabitants of Hand-to-Mouthville to fill its charity coffers. In other cities, fundraising is done with walkathons, bake sales, golf tournaments, or car washes featuring bikini-clad high school girls with soapy sponges, but here in the River City, fundraising involves calling your musician friend and seeing if he can rustle up a few bands that will play for free … for a good cause, of course. Fortunately in the “live music capital of the known universe,” bands outnumber good causes by a hefty ratio, so there is almost always a stellar lineup willing to step up to the plate. Sure, some of the savvier bands might request an ice chest full of Lone Star tallboys or first dibs on the VIP buffet table, but that in no way undermines their altruism. In fact, most bands playing fundraisers don’t even make gas money. If it weren’t for their girlfriends’ day jobs, they would have to walk to the gig. You’ve probably seen some scruffy-looking guy walking down the street with a guitar and thought, “Wow, someone should have a fundraiser for him,” never realizing that he was just between girlfriends and on his way to play a fundraiser. That’s so Austin, isn’t it? Of course, not all fundraisers in Austin are benefit concerts. It just seems like it. There are plenty of golf tournaments, road races, garage sales, and cook-offs that don’t necessarily feature live music but include it nonetheless. Why? Because live music gives it that Austin twist. What runner wouldn’t want to hear 15 seconds or so of original Austin music played by live bands scattered intermittently along the 26 miles of a marathon course? And what band wouldn’t want that gig? Well, as long they are allowed to sell merch and put out a sign up sheet for their mailing list. You really can’t beat that kind of exposure. As common as they are, benefit concerts can be a bit of an ego boost for musicians. People are much more willing to pay a hefty cover for a benefit than they are for a regular show. Maybe it’s because they feel much better about dropping a 10 spot on cancer victims than having it all go to some terminally broke slacker who gets to do what he loves and still manages to score talent that is way above his pay grade. Regardless, as far as benefits go, musicians have been the golden-egg-laying geese in Austin for decades, so forgive them if they sometimes complain about the pain in the ass. Don’t hate; appreciate. It’s a successful, long-standing symbiosis, and ultimately, no matter what the motivation on either side of the relationship, it does good for Austin. If you want an example, check out Sunday’s Yam Jam at Threadgill’s World Headquarters benefiting Operation Turkey, which provides food and clothing for the Austin-area homeless during the Thanksgiving holiday. From 3pm until close A-string artists like Malford Milligan, Jake Andrews, Guy Forsyth, Lance Keltner, David Holt, and Driver will take the stage to help someone other than themselves. That’s truly something to applaud.

Texas Freedom Network’s 15th Anniversary Celebration

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October 6, 2010

Bullock Texas State History Museum

In the world of politics, activism beats apathy every time. A small, well-organized group of complete nut jobs has a much better chance of forwarding its insane agenda than an unorganized multitude of like-minded, reasonable, uninvolved intellectuals. Don’t believe it? Consider Hitler. People are every bit as likely to vote with their guts as they are with their minds – even smart people. More importantly, intellectuals are much less inclined to do the dirty work of politics: the canvassing, the mailing, the sign posting, the cold calling, and the fundraising (which involves more knee pad work than most intellectuals are willing to endure). To be fair, intellectuals are also disgusted with the political process itself, which inherently undermines the integrity of its participants. Anyone who has campaigned for anything – be it PTA second vice chair or assistant county clerk – knows that politics involves a humbling amount of compromise, and very often the first thing that gets compromised is ethics. Politicians who start out on a march toward truth and light sometimes lose their way in the dark forest of financial necessity, public opinion, and political cronyism. What begins as a “means to an end” becomes all about the means with no end in sight. Politics can be very rewarding – especially for those seeking rewards. Thus the ongoing American fascination with “political outsiders.” The problem with political outsiders is that in politics, there aren’t any. Even if you want to somehow subvert the de facto plutocracy of the American political system, you’re still going to have to get on the cock of a whorish number of needy special interest groups in order to get elected. As the Bob Dylan song goes, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody.” Ideally it’s your constituency. Sometimes your constituency is a corporation that funnels millions of dollars to your campaign through a fictitiously named bank account in the Caymans, and sometimes it’s a group of senile, xenophobic old timers with nothing better to do with their time than show up at the polls on voting day. Feeling jaded? You should be, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon politics entirely. Far from it. As mired in bullshit as American politics may be, things are not going to get any better with you sitting up there on your high horse. You’re not going to get rid of Sarah Palin, tea baggers, or even Rick Perry’s spectacular head of exquisitely styled hair by simply bitching about it or wishing it away. You’re going to have to drop some coin … or if you’re financially strapped like most big thinkers, you might even have to do some shit work. Either way, you have to get involved, otherwise you’re going to wake up someday and find the lunatics are running the asylum – just like they were two years ago. Rest assured those crazy bastards always try to get the keys. Thankfully there are sensible, hardworking people like the folks at Texas Freedom Network who make it their daily mission to keep the crazies out. This Thursday TFN is celebrating 15 years of being Texas’ watchdog against the political far right with its Let’s Shake It Up! fundraiser at the Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum. Enjoy dancing, drinking, and silent and live auctions that include, among other things, VIP passes to The Daily Show With Jon Stewart as well as platinum badges to South by Southwest 2011.

Band Together for Hope

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September 29, 2010

Spider House Ballroom

If you’re like most people in Austin, you probably walk around with some extra pocket change. It might be just a few coins that jingle in your jorts and tip off the Hooters waitress you’ve been stalking, or it could be something bigger – maybe some fives and tens that you keep in your wallet for stoned, late-night food-trailer binges – or perhaps you like to roll like a playa and keep a couple of hundies wrapped around a spool of lesser bills, the kind of pocket chum that gold diggers instinctively swarm. Regardless, any way you fold it, you have more than you need. If you weren’t compelled by your love of humanity to deny the tin-can-rattling con artists at traffic lights, the cardboard-sign-carrying fauxmless dudes who work the interstate intersections, and the Drag-worms with their cute, hungry-looking stray dogs in dirty red bandanas, you might go broke – well, except for your Platinum MasterCard. To be fair, you’re probably not one of those people who thinks charity is just a really unimaginative stripper name. You may not be Bill Gates or Eunice Kennedy Shriver, but you’ve hit your share of theatre-group fundraisers, celebrity silent auctions, and high school cheerleader bikini car washes. Really, what more can you do? You can’t save everybody because … as the saying goes … not everybody wants to be saved. In fact, if you were to lean in close enough to that Somali orphan on the TV who appears to be dying of starvation, he just might whisper, “It’s all good,” in your ear. Then again, he might not – and how can you be sure you heard him correctly over the buzz of the fly swarm? That’s what really freezes you into inaction. How can you know for sure? Where do you draw the line? You pony up for a couple of bags of famine rice, and next thing you know, you’re dodging Uzi fire on an aid flotilla headed for Gaza. Truth is, there is a mind-boggling number of worthwhile charities in the world to which you can devote your leisure time and money. How do you decide? Which is most important? Is it better to feed a starving child, keep a kitten from being euthanized, or teach an adult how to read? Who reads anymore anyway? Other than Twitter? Reading just leads to a guilty conscience. Why spend money on something that makes people feel guilty? Don’t we have churches for that? Besides, where would Jesus or Muhammad or Stevie Ray Vaughan want you to bestow your largesse? Save the Children or Ducks Unlimited? Everybody loves ducks – even the people who shoot them. You can’t say that about children. Probably the best thing to do is lean in a little closer to the starving Somali orphan. Maybe he really is saying, “It’s all good,” but maybe what he means is, “Anything you can do will be appreciated.” You’ll need to brush up on your Somali to know for sure. Even still, any time you can step out of your own little drama and help improve the world for others, you’re doing good. No need to get stuck up about it. There’s plenty of selfishness in altruism, but it’s a selfishness that requires wisdom and patience. Yuck. Of course, if you practice doing good regularly, chances are it won’t seem so strange and churchy. You might even learn to have fun with it. Here’s some good news: You can start practicing Saturday, Oct. 2, at the United States Art Authority when the Mother Truckers and Dertybird perform in the third annual Band Together for Hope, a fundraiser for the DiscoverHope Fund, which provides an opportunity for women in poverty to create their own prosperity through microcredit, entrepreneurship, and training. Sound good? It is.

Fantastic Fest

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September 22, 2010

Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar

How could you go wrong with something named Fantastic Fest? Well, OK, if you really loved The English Patient or Lost in Translation, you might not appreciate the jackhammer nuance of Fantastic Fest fare. If The Remains of the Day is your idea of two hours well-spent, then it’s unlikely your taste is going to dovetail with the festival that brought you The Human Centipede – a movie that, if nothing else, shockingly proves the saying, “If you can conceive it, you can achieve it.” It also makes a fairly strong case for 1) remembering to renew your OnStar subscription and 2) the decline of Western civilization. (It’s probably used as an al Qaeda recruitment film too.) As disturbing as The Human Centipede is (the disturbing part not being so much the movie itself but the fact that it actually got funded, filmed, and distributed), it’s not a particularly inventive film. It is, however, an incredibly ballsy one – and perhaps a sobering look at what’s coming down the pike in the horror genre. Expect to see titles like The Human Toilet, Donkey Show Snuff Gallery, and Babies in a Blender, all filmed in 3-D with spectacular computer-generated graphics. Think Grand Theft Auto quality with lots of chain saws, wood chippers, and other dangerous power implements ripping through human flesh in an impressive cascade of urine, feces, and blood. Who wouldn’t want to see that? If you let your imagination run wild, it may just run wild enough to make it into your local cineplex. If you’re really lucky, your imagination might even end up being a video game … or vice versa. Think that’s crazy? Well crazy has already happened plenty of times: Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, BloodRayne, Street Fighter, Wing Commander, Super Mario Bros. The list goes on and on, and, interestingly, no film based on a video game has ever scored higher than 43% on Rotten Tomatoes’ Tomatometer. Critics can be so critical. In comparison, The English Patient rocks an 83%, and The Remains of the Day nearly pegs it at 97%. Somehow James Ivory managed to pull that off without stitching Emma Thompson’s lips to Anthony Hopkins’ keister … well, maybe in a metaphorical sense. The Remains of the Day is its own kind of genre film – that being tedious British films about repressed Victorian values – but fortunately Fantastic Fest doesn’t dabble in that kind of fare. If there is a staid English butler in a Fantastic Fest film, he probably has a full crawl space and is a secret sorcerer, a robot from the future, or a badass martial artist who can plunge his hand into your chest cavity and pull out your still-beating heart. Sounds cool, doesn’t it? It gets even cooler than that – albeit in a slightly nerdy way. Fantastic Fest has more than 170 official screenings, parties, and events: everything from film debates finished off by actual boxing matches to live karaoke, dance parties, video-game competitions, and even an off-site, cow-on-a-spit barbecue complete with knife-throwing and bullwhip demonstrations. This year, during the first four days, Fantastic Fest has transformed the HighBall ballroom into a makeshift arcade that features 29 different games by cutting-edge game developers. Everyone knows that video games are like flypaper for nerds, so if you’re on the prowl for some nerd loving, you’ll definitely want to work that room.

Austin Pagan Pride Day

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September 15, 2010

Zilker Park

Ancient religious texts are hard to burn, aren’t they? It’s not like they’re something useless like science textbooks or old Mad magazines. People really get touchy when you start torching the word of their Lord. You might as well be pitchforking puppies into a wood chipper. With the right publicity campaign, pitchforking puppies might stir up as much outrage as the Americans who want to build a mosque near Ground Zero … well, in the neighborhood … the same neighborhood that has a strip club, an off-the-track betting establishment, and a Starbucks – which, by the way, is a good place to start sniffing around if you’re looking for an organized assault on American values. Three dollars for a cup of bean squeezins? Sweet Jesus, a couple of months of that shit and you could start your own meth lab and dental clinic. What could be more American than that? Christianity you say? Wouldn’t that be nice? Unfortunately, modern American values have very little to do with the teachings of Christ. Jesus espoused nonviolence, poverty, humility, and charity. America is all about Bumfights, Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?, and The Apprentice. If anything, Christianity is an assault on American values. Jesus specifically said: “Sell what you possess and give to the poor.” That doesn’t sound like Joel Osteen, Toby Keith, or even Barack Obama. That isn’t America. Here in God’s country, we won’t even cough up enough loose change to make sure everyone has access to health care and housing. Why? Because that would be communism. Most American Christians hate communism as much as the devil himself. They would rather let poor people die in the streets than pay higher taxes to fund a government-run health care system. Nonviolence? Ask the 100,000 or so Iraqis who, it turns out, weren’t hiding weapons of mass destruction. Humility? Well, there is one word that starts with the letter “H” that describes Americans’ attitude toward the rest of the world: Hubris. Who knows? Maybe at some point Jesus will come back to Earth … scratch that … to America preaching a gospel of aggression, greed, arrogance, and stupidity. Until then, Americans might want to explore some other religions. Hinduism is intriguing, but there are a lot of Gods to keep track of – maybe there’s an iPhone app. Judaism is basically Christianity old skool – without the Christ. Buddhism is intriguing, but you have to meditate a lot. Bor-ing. Islam? F that S. Americans like to get their drink on and really aren’t terribly hung up on virginity. Ditto for Mormonism. Scientology sounds good until you actually read up on it or (God forbid) watch Battlefield Earth. Rastafarianism? Dope-smoking is already a religion for a lot of Americans, but we like to cannonball it with booze. Really, there are a lot of religions to choose from, each with its own goofy idiosyncrasies. Before you drink the punch, you probably should sample a wide variety to find the one that’s best for you. This Sunday you can check out paganism at Pagan Pride Day at Zilker Park, a chance to expose yourself to a variety of pagan and pagan-friendly artisans and entertainers from the Austin area. Yes, you probably thought you were pagan already, but there’s so much more to it: Wiccans, witches, druids, Asatru, mages – shit you didn’t even know about, and all presumably better than not knowing at all.

AGLIFF

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September 8, 2010

Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar

Don’t let this freak you out, but there are gays all over Austin. Whoa, right? What’s even crazier is that a lot of them don’t even act gay. So, you could be at some totally straight place (like a cigar shop, a Harley dealership, or a Hooters) and bend over to tie your shoes and have a whole bunch of them just run up and start humping you … and there you go … you’re headed straight to hell, and you were just innocently practicing pedestrian safety. Is it your fault if you have an ass that is just irresistible to gays? Hell no! Are you supposed to wear baggy jeans from Old Navy your whole life to avoid eternal damnation? Maybe. It’s hard to say, and Leviticus is a bit of a literary slog anyway. Really it’s best to be on guard at all times … everywhere. Yes, that sounds paranoid – phobic even – with an ass like that you can’t be too cautious. There are gays everywhere – not just the easily identifiable grab bag of Village People stereotypes (Native American? Really?) but cleverly straight-looking doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, landscapers, interior design consultants, and even the prep nurse for your vasectomy. As frightening as that sounds, who else would you trust to be so close to your junk with a straight razor and a handful of shaving cream? Even still, just the idea of not necessarily knowing which people are gay is enough to keep you up at nights. How can you sleep knowing your UPS guy is suspiciously buff and his uniform fits almost perfectly? He seems to use the word “package” a lot, too. What’s up with that? Is that some sort of gay come on? The skinny guy at the sandwich shop seems a little questionable, too. He always asks if you want extra mayonnaise and a pickle – even when you’re ordering a meatball sub. And what about your pottery instructor? Does he really need to encircle you in his arms when you’re at the pottery wheel? Isn’t there some other way he could demonstrate proper technique? And why does “Unchained Melody” always seem to be playing on his jam box? That can’t just be coincidence. You probably wonder sometimes if you’re just imagining that the good-looking guy behind you at the ATM is staring at your glutes. Why wouldn’t he be? They’re irresistible. In fact, that’s your big problem. You’re irresistible to gays, and you’re not even trying. You’ll probably never know for sure though, because you’re ceaselessly vigilant about keeping an eye out for them. It’s nerve-racking. Probably the best thing for you to do is just assume that everyone is gay. That way you won’t have to worry about whether someone who looks straight is actually gay. Of course, if you assume everyone is gay, then you have to assume you’re gay too. What a relief! Now you don’t have to act all butch to prove you aren’t gay. Go ahead and cross your legs, TiVo Glee, and rock that Justin Bieber haircut you’ve always wanted. The world’s your oyster. Time to start digging for pearls. A good place to do some pearl-diving this weekend is at the Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar. Through Sunday, Sept. 12, the Austin Gay & Lesbian International Film Festival will be offering a full slate of some of the best LGBTQI (for you straights, that’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersexed) films being made. There are also some bumping parties planned, like Sunday night’s closing BearCity aGLIFF Afterparty at Cheer Up Charlie’s. Should be a fun time, but if you’re at all worried about exposing your irresistible ass, just keep it planted firmly in a seat at the Alamo Drafthouse.

‘Hammy and the Kids’

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September 1, 2010

La Zona Rosa CLOSED

Listen to the Audio Version of this artcle.

Just think: If you were in Canada right now, you would be chill. Give it some thought. Canada is only one border crossing away, and, unlike Americans, Canadians are much more respectful to their southern neighbors. In fact, in a lot of places along the U.S.-Canadian border, there’s not much of a border at all – maybe a ditch, a swath of clear-cut forest, or, like in Derby Line, Vt., a simple line painted across the street. How awesome would it be to do the Hokey-Pokey in two countries at the same time? Really … not much more awesome than actually doing the Hokey-Pokey. Regardless, no need to pay a coyote for a run across that border. In fact, the biggest threats in crossing the Canadian border are gray wolves and grizzlies. They’re particularly fond of people who smell like bacon – Canadian or otherwise – so if you decide to scarf down a few Egg McMuffins before your hike into the promised land, you might want to consider packing a loaded .45 and a couple of spare clips. Back before 9/11, crossing into Canada was even easier. You didn’t have to declare anything except maybe your intent to get pissed on Molson’s and bang anything that didn’t look like a moose or a Mountie. In those days, Canadians were willing to tolerate unconscionable levels of obnoxiousness. Not only that, they let almost anybody into their country: draft dodgers, the Grateful Dead, boat people, the French. The result is one huge frozen cultural clusterfuck that has contributed more to American society than the entire state of Wyoming – and that includes Jackson Pollock and Dick Cheney (who, by the way, are no strangers to clusterfucks themselves). Strangely, as diverse a place as Canada is, Canadians are largely a peace-loving people – unless you happen to be a moose with a huge rack or the opposing hockey team. Canadians also have a likable humility and a great sense of humor – traits conditioned by years of being America’s ruthlessly hazed sidekick. Think of it this way: Canada is the Paul Shaffer to America’s Letterman. Would it surprise you to know that Paul Shaffer is Canadian? Of course not. He’s incredibly talented, has a great sense of humor, is amazingly humble, and is loved by everyone. Letterman, on the other hand, was apparently loving anything that wasn’t a moose or a Mountie. When it comes to tapping the office talent, nice guys always finish last, eh? Or at least a close second. Canadians (other than Tommy Lee trainee Pamela Anderson) really don’t put off the sexual freak vibe anyway. Maybe it’s their layered clothing, their chirpy disposition, or their inability to put on a game face for anything other than a hockey brawl. In truth, Canadians may actually be freaks, but they keep in on the DL … at least until their boyfriends videotape it and post it on the Internet. There are some, however, who couldn’t keep it on the DL even if they tried: Howie Mandel, Jim Carrey, Kiefer Sutherland, and, of course, Kids in the Hall‘s least popular member and most successful freak Kevin McDonald, who will be in town this weekend for the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival. Sunday evening at La Zona Rosa, McDonald will be performing Hammy and the Kids, billed as “A one-man exploration of working with the Kids in the Hall and coping with an alcoholic father.” Joining McDonald on musical numbers will be Canadian guitarist/alt-folker Alun Piggins, who would be playing Paul Shaffer to McDonald’s Letterman if McDonald weren’t Canadian.

‘Austin Chronicle’ Hot Sauce Festival

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August 25, 2010

Waterloo Park

You might ask yourself: “Why here? Why now?” Waterloo Park in late August will be hotter than Satan’s taint – sweatier too. Of course, the same could be said of Austin in general, so apparently there are quite a few people here in Weirdsville who don’t mind a hot, sweaty taint. Hot, sweaty taints were all the rage back when Waterloo was the name of a village on the banks of Shoal Creek instead of a municipal park sandwiched between a hospital and a parking garage, but ever since the advent of air conditioning, Fudgsicles, and more recently, South by Southwest, Austin is a much cooler place. People all over the world (who can actually point it out on a map) are always saying it, so how can it not be true? Austin actually is cool – as long as you stay inside for about eight months of the year. Easy enough, right? You may have to quit smoking and work the bleached-out vampire look, but it’s doable. You might also want to check in to getting one of those remote start devices for your car. That way, as long as the soles of your goth shoes don’t melt during your mad dash through the parking lot, you will only have to endure a few seconds of roasting. Remember: Dogs die in hot cars. So could you. If you don’t have a car with air conditioning … or for that matter if you don’t have a car at all, you are, to paraphrase, up Shoal Creek without a paddle. Like the original settlers of Waterloo, you are condemned to chase the shade like cows and, when things get really desperate, shrink your scroat in the frigid water of Barton Springs. Really, Barton Springs is the only sure bet. Shade is nice and all, but it can easily reach 100 even in the shade, and if the humidity’s anywhere in the normal range, your clothes will always feel like a hot swimsuit that hasn’t quite dried out yet. Sure, you can wear light, cool clothing. Couldn’t hurt. A thong is light and cool – at least for the parts of your body that aren’t in contact with it – but rest assured your taint will be a raging red furnace. Regardless of what you wear or don’t, you’re going to sweat like a whore in church, so even if you’re dressed like one, you still need to drink lots of water. Back in the old days, hydration was much more of a sticky wicket. It contained things like cholera, intestinal parasites, Comanche poop from up river, and water moccasins (not Weejun preppy loafers, but real, poisonous snakes). Nowadays, however, there is always some benevolent corporation willing to slap its logo on a plastic bottle, fill it with water, and sell it to you for a few dollars. That way you can avoid the embarrassment of violent bouts of bloody diarrhea, stomach cramps, and projectile vomiting. There is also a small chance you might develop breast buds from synthetic estrogen released from the plastic bottle the water comes in, but hey, everybody likes boobies, right? Oh yeah, and also there are apparently enough plastic water bottles to encircle the globe 190 times. Apparently somebody is staying hydrated. That’s the key to a healthy life isn’t it? It’s certainly the key to a healthy Hot Sauce Festival. Beer will only get you so far when it comes to withering heat – if you don’t down a little water along with it, it eventually will get you to the first aid tent. That’s an important thing to remember if you’re attending this Sunday’s 20th annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival. Your body is definitely going to burn through some water – either from the heat of the sun or the heat of the sauces in the tasting tent. Usually the samples run into the hundreds, and for a couple of cans of food from your pantry, you can taste them all if you have the fortitude. It’s an epicurean extravaganza that is about as uniquely Austin as they come. Certainly it’s worth a little sweat on your taint.