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Undie Run

The Luv Doc Recommends, Uncategorized

May 4, 2011

By now you’ve probably had quite a few Osama Bin Laden death video links posted on your Facebook wall. You know the one: It was censored by the Obama administration due to its level of violence? Well, curiosity might not have killed the cat but it certainly fueled a fairly successful Facebook scam, didn’t it? Now all your friends are going to think you’re some sort of sick freak who masturbates to snuff films. Ouch. That’s a bit unfair. You’re not a monster. You’re not even Michael Vick. Word on the street is that Michael Vick isn’t even Michael Vick. Who knows? People can change. It’s possible that last Saturday morning Osama had a huge epiphany. He might have rolled out of bed refreshed from a great night’s sleep and decided that those American infidels that he once thought of as evil oppressors were, in fact, a decent, peace-loving people worthy of respect and admiration. If he did, we’ll never know because later that evening he had his head and chest ventilated by a team of Navy SEALs. Sometimes when you think the black helicopters are after you, they really are. In this case it was for a very good reason. Osama may not have been evil incarnate, but he did plan and carry out terrorist attacks that caused the deaths of thousands of Americans. Barbaric as it seems, that kind of behavior earns you a free ventilation courtesy of the U.S. government. Sure, there are those who will say that killing doesn’t justify killing or that violence only begets more violence, and they are mostly right. It’s entirely possible that Hitler might have eventually been defeated by compassion, prayer, and peaceful meditation. After a while, he might have eventually been smitten by the love bug, but isn’t it wonderful that, thanks to the serious ass-kicking laid on him by the Allies, Hitler chose to check out early with a cyanide capsule and a Luger to his temple? Martin Luther King Jr. once said that you can kill the thinker but not the thought, and there are plenty of neo-Nazi Aryan supremacists still around to prove that point, but history has also shown that if you kill enough bad thinkers, bad thoughts tend to die out as well. The big, overriding question, then, is: Who determines what makes a thought bad? Tricky isn’t it? Was it morally justifiable to cause the deaths of more than 100,000 Iraqis (that being roughly 33 times the number of casualties from 9/11) on the basis of specious intelligence about weapons of mass destruction? Was it OK because President Bush and Congress thought they were doing the right thing? Perhaps if Osama bin Laden had merely exclaimed, “Whoopsy! My bad! I thought I was doing the right thing!” after 9/11, we might have given him a pass. Probably not. And chances are black helicopters won’t swoop down out of the sky in the middle of the night and ventilate George Junior for being a monumental fuck-up, but rest assured there are thousands of people in Iraq and throughout the Middle East who probably wouldn’t mind taking a crack at it. In the end, the ugly truth is that they couldn’t do it even if they wanted to, which only proves that moral superiority isn’t worth a bucket of warm spit unless you have the power to back it up. America certainly has plenty of power, but we’re still a little shaky on moral superiority. The death of Osama bin Laden inspired a lot of fist-pumping and flag-waving, and rightfully so. It’s one of those rare occurrences in the past 10 years where America’s power and righteousness seem unquestionably in sync. Make no mistake: Killing Osama bin Laden was the right thing to do. He was a confessed mass murderer and a sworn enemy of the United States. Like Hitler, he surely knew he had it coming, but what Americans should be celebrating is not vengeance – America is surely due some of that itself – but the fact that because Osama bin Laden is dead, Americans can feel just a little bit safer, a little bit freer, a little bit closer to that invincibility we felt before we ever heard his name. We should probably get out and enjoy it before our chickens come home to roost. You can do just that in a very American way this Friday by joining in the 2011 Undie Run, a nearly naked fun run that collects clothes for local charities. The Undie Run starts at 7pm on Friday in the parking lot behind the University Co-op and includes a photo booth, prizes by Bettysport and Forbidden Fruit, as well as free body paint and glow sticks for the first 500 runners. Best of all, it’s free, just like America.

Lysts on the Lake Lone Star Open Joust

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April 27, 2011

It seems kind of crazy, but the climate in Austin is perfect for jousting … well, culturally at least. Meteorologically it’s ass. Yes, you can probably tolerate straddling a horse in a metal exoskeleton November through March, but the rest of the year, the heat is more likely to take you off your high horse than a wicked lance to your breastplate. Friday and Saturday the temperature will be in the low 90s, which should test the mettle/metal of any would-be Lancelots as well of the potency of their respective deodorants. There is a reason the Spanish explorer Cabeza de Vaca wandered around Texas buck nekkid – well, at least by 16th century standards. Back then, a varmint pelt over your kibbles and bits wasn’t considered actual clothing – even though these days if you wear a slingshot on the beach in Majorca you might as well be swaddled in a full-length fur coat. Yes, it is commonly thought that ol’ Cow Head sacrificed his clothing to shore up holes in his boat when it wrecked on Galveston Island, but the more likely explanation is that it was insanely hot and he would have sacrificed them for nearly anything: dried fish, dream catcher, peace pipe, or a bad hand of poker. Lesson: It’s too goddamned hot in Texas to be horsing around in a suit of armor – or a suit of any kind for that matter. Of course, that would never deter a hardcore creative anachronist. For those cats, just strolling around the Ren-Faire munching on a turkeye leg and rapping to the laydies in a meticulously rehearsed patois of Aulde Englishe/Old Testament is not enough. They want to get medieval on your ass. No, not like Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction but really, truly medieval … or at least the most historically accurate re-enactment their budgets will allow. For people in economically depressed states like Michigan and Pennsylvania that means building their own smelters, blacksmith shops, or tanneries, and spending long hours meticulously re-creating the clothing and implements of a bygone era. Nerds in Austin just buy their shit online and have it FedEx’d to their cubicles so they don’t have to overtly brag to their office mates about their tough-guy weekend LARPing activities. It takes a monumental amount of game to engage the hot young receptionist at your office in a conversation about the length of your lance or the width of your broadsword – especially when you’re not talking about your Johnson. Of course, if you’re an insanely wealthy game developer like Richard Garriott, you hardly need any game at all. Garriott has enough money to prattle on endlessly to hot chicks about subjects that would earn most people a toilet-bowl swirly or at least a merciless noogie. That doesn’t necessarily mean space flight and pre-17th century European history aren’t fascinating; it just means that they’re more fascinating and when a mutlimillionaire has the floor. Imagine having a lunch meeting with Warren Buffett at which he enthusiastically discloses a penchant for gerbiling. Would you recoil in horror or try to keep an open mind? After all, Warren Buffett probably has the money to really do gerbiling “right.” The bottom line is that Garriott is in the happy position to engage wholeheartedly in all his nerdly passions, which is why he is hosting the first-ever Lysts on the Lake, a three-day exhibition of competitive jousting at the “Village of Castleton,” a fantasy village on the shores of Lake Austin composed of a cluster of quaintly accessorized affordable portables along with a fort, a miniature lighthouse, and (spoiler alert) a pirate ship. Yes, the location alone sells itself, but consider the prospect of nerds going after one another with big wooden sticks wearing sweaty suits of armor. Really, how can you not go?

QueerBomb

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June 2, 2010

ND Austin

Austin is, after all, the state capital and arguably the third gayest city in Texas … at least in terms of numbers.
Why wouldn’t Austin devote a four-day weekend to the life and music of Charley Pride? Anyone who has sold more than 70 million records is worthy of a heapin’ helpin’ of A-Town adoration, but CP did it as a black country singer. That’s like a big slab of improbable sandwiched between a couple of slices of impossible, slathered in unthinkable and garnished with unbelievable. In other words, a lot of “ble” to wrap your head around. Pride knows what it’s like to be a victim of discrimination. Pride knows what it’s like to overcome obstacles. Pride understands the plight of the downtrodden, but he also knows the thrill of victory and the triumph of accomplishment. Did you know that Charley Pride is the only black person ever inducted into the Grand Ole Opry? Ever. Not even EP can say that … especially since … no matter what you read in the tabloids … Elvis is dead. CP, on the other hand, is alive and kickin’ – just attended spring training camp with the Texas Rangers … as he has for the past 30-plus years. Pride knows perseverance. He tried to become a major league baseball player until his fastball lost its mustard due to an arm injury. He ended up playing semipro in Helena, Mo.; working in a zinc smelter; and playing club gigs a couple of nights a week. With the help of a local DJ, he landed on a package show with Red Foley and Red Sovine, who later hooked him up with legendary guitarist and record executive Chet Atkins. The rest is history – a history well worth four days of colorful revelry, remembrance, pomp, and circumstance, and at the very least just one. Hey, if Buck Owens gets a birthday bash, Charley Pride deserves one, too. Sadly however, Charley Pride’s birthday falls on March 18, which is usually smack-dab in the middle of South by Southwest. Of all the damned luck, eh? Sorry, Charley. This weekend is a pretty good weekend for a Pride fest too. In fact, there is a Pride fest this weekend, only this Pride isn’t black, it’s rainbow-colored. Confusing yes, but not for Pride participants. They’re all rock-solid sure of their sexual orientation – so much so they’re proud of it, thus the name. This Pride might not knock out a stirring rendition of “Kiss an Angel Good Morning” (unless it’s a gender-nonspecific remix with a throbbing disco beat), but they will turn out festively and in impressive numbers. Austin is, after all, the state capital and arguably the third gayest city in Texas … at least in terms of numbers. Most importantly, Pride is about reminding the breeders that gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender people are people too … equally deserving of the same rights as their het counterparts, some of which they still do not enjoy. As with any large, diverse group of disenfranchised people, there are varying methods and opinions on how equal rights should be achieved. Some see Pride as a way to show the straight world that GLBT people are the same in just about every way, only freakier in the sack. Others, however, see Pride as a way to celebrate their differences. If you’re into shock and awe, you’ll probably want to hang out with the latter. At least their parties are a lot more fun. This Friday, you can get in on the action at the QueerBomb Rally and Procession, which starts at the ND at 501 Studios and parades through Downtown. After the rally, there will be a “stank throwdown” featuring two DJ’s, as well as performances by Little Stolen Moments, Kings N Things, and Christeene, the world’s most terrifying drag queen and the “lady” most likely to inspire Charley Pride to sing, “Anyplace is all right as long as I can forget I’ve ever known her.”