October 27, 2009

Hopefully by now you already have your balloon boy costume put together. Good show. Your friends and random acquaintances will surely have a marvelous time secretly trying to burst your bubble. Don’t pout. When was the last time you had so many people trying to poke you? Besides, they appreciate the effort. It’s not like you just scrawled H1N1 in Magic Marker on an old undershirt. Here’s a hot tip for people trying to get laid on Halloween: Don’t dress up as a virus, even and especially if you’re an apathetic slacker who won’t look outside your dirty clothes pile for a Halloween costume. Sends the wrong message. If you’re not willing to wear something embarrassing and uncomfortable every once in a while, it’s a good bet you’re not sitting on a wallet full of unexpired condoms either. A shitty, thrown-together-at-the-last-minute costume isn’t especially scary, but barebacking is, just maybe not in a Halloween type of way. You might as well just scrawl “HERPES” on your T-shirt and be done with it. That way you can spend the rest of the night passing out candy to kids whose parents will slap it out of their hands the minute they get off your porch. Maybe you could offer them a hit off your beer bong instead? Regardless, Halloween is a night of endless possibilities. That’s what makes it so fun. It’s not like you have to bake a turkey; wear a hot, itchy sweater with blinking lights; or break up with your girlfriend so you don’t have to buy her a Valentine’s present. All you have to do on Halloween is pay the ante of at least a bag of cheap Mexican tamarind lollipops and, of course, try not to mow down any grade schoolers wearing poorly lit Harry Potter/Twilight costumes on the way back from your last-minute run to Fiesta Mart. As a general rule, operating a motor vehicle is extra tricky on Halloween – especially if you’re wearing clown shoes, big bird feet, or 4-inch, come-fuck-me pumps (that work perfectly with your crotch-high nurse outfit, fake lashes, and press-on nails). As you surely have already learned by now, drinking only complicates things. Not only is it difficult to fit a Natty can through the mouth of a rubber gorilla mask (smart monkeys drink longnecks), but alcohol also impairs your ability to interact sincerely with children – and really, why should you even make an effort when they’re all jacked up on sugar anyway? Some people would argue that Halloween is for children. Those people are wrong. You can’t expect people to stop believing in ghosts just because they attended four years of college … and maybe did a little post-grad work in paranormal psychic phenomena … that’s just crazy. No, grownups need to celebrate the dead too, ideally by dressing up in completely embarrassing/ridiculous costumes, drinking, and doing something worthy of at least a Facebook video post. Otherwise, why would the dead even pay attention? Aren’t they busy luring little blond girls into televisions? This Saturday and Sunday you can do something that will make the dead stand up and pay attention at the first ever Zombie Ball, a two-day Halloween throwdown sponsored by the folks at Sustainable Waves. The Zombie Ball features three solar-powered stages of live music and a haunted ballroom with Texas’ second largest disco ball … uh … vampire slayer. Make sure to ride your bike. Your rubber-chicken feet may be huge, but at least you’ll leave a smaller carbon footprint.