September 8, 2010

Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar

Don’t let this freak you out, but there are gays all over Austin. Whoa, right? What’s even crazier is that a lot of them don’t even act gay. So, you could be at some totally straight place (like a cigar shop, a Harley dealership, or a Hooters) and bend over to tie your shoes and have a whole bunch of them just run up and start humping you … and there you go … you’re headed straight to hell, and you were just innocently practicing pedestrian safety. Is it your fault if you have an ass that is just irresistible to gays? Hell no! Are you supposed to wear baggy jeans from Old Navy your whole life to avoid eternal damnation? Maybe. It’s hard to say, and Leviticus is a bit of a literary slog anyway. Really it’s best to be on guard at all times … everywhere. Yes, that sounds paranoid – phobic even – with an ass like that you can’t be too cautious. There are gays everywhere – not just the easily identifiable grab bag of Village People stereotypes (Native American? Really?) but cleverly straight-looking doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, landscapers, interior design consultants, and even the prep nurse for your vasectomy. As frightening as that sounds, who else would you trust to be so close to your junk with a straight razor and a handful of shaving cream? Even still, just the idea of not necessarily knowing which people are gay is enough to keep you up at nights. How can you sleep knowing your UPS guy is suspiciously buff and his uniform fits almost perfectly? He seems to use the word “package” a lot, too. What’s up with that? Is that some sort of gay come on? The skinny guy at the sandwich shop seems a little questionable, too. He always asks if you want extra mayonnaise and a pickle – even when you’re ordering a meatball sub. And what about your pottery instructor? Does he really need to encircle you in his arms when you’re at the pottery wheel? Isn’t there some other way he could demonstrate proper technique? And why does “Unchained Melody” always seem to be playing on his jam box? That can’t just be coincidence. You probably wonder sometimes if you’re just imagining that the good-looking guy behind you at the ATM is staring at your glutes. Why wouldn’t he be? They’re irresistible. In fact, that’s your big problem. You’re irresistible to gays, and you’re not even trying. You’ll probably never know for sure though, because you’re ceaselessly vigilant about keeping an eye out for them. It’s nerve-racking. Probably the best thing for you to do is just assume that everyone is gay. That way you won’t have to worry about whether someone who looks straight is actually gay. Of course, if you assume everyone is gay, then you have to assume you’re gay too. What a relief! Now you don’t have to act all butch to prove you aren’t gay. Go ahead and cross your legs, TiVo Glee, and rock that Justin Bieber haircut you’ve always wanted. The world’s your oyster. Time to start digging for pearls. A good place to do some pearl-diving this weekend is at the Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar. Through Sunday, Sept. 12, the Austin Gay & Lesbian International Film Festival will be offering a full slate of some of the best LGBTQI (for you straights, that’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersexed) films being made. There are also some bumping parties planned, like Sunday night’s closing BearCity aGLIFF Afterparty at Cheer Up Charlie’s. Should be a fun time, but if you’re at all worried about exposing your irresistible ass, just keep it planted firmly in a seat at the Alamo Drafthouse.