December 22, 2010

Palmer Events Center

There are probably a few money shots left to be fired in your annual orgy of excess. Sure, the economy is deep in the shitter and the red Chinese have us by the shorthairs, but that isn’t conclusive evidence that you need to rein in your consumerism. Who knows? America may only be a few hundred million maxed-out credit cards away from economic salvation. One thing is for certain: You’re not going to kick-start an economic recovery by sitting home singing Christmas carols, drinking eggnog, and stringing together popcorn garlands. That’s exactly the kind of tedious sweatshop work we used to pawn off on Third World orphans. Think about it: If stringing popcorn garlands is so fun, why isn’t there a Nintendo Wii game based on it? Even golf has a Wii game, and golf is just slightly more exciting than an afternoon nap … or maybe death itself – which may explain why so many old people play it. All golf requires is that you move slightly faster than the grass growing beneath your feet. If you can’t do that, just rent a golf cart – or buy a Wii. Wiis might be made by the Japanese, but they’re as American as apple pie. After all, this country was founded on the idea that if you work hard enough, eventually you can afford something or someone that will do the work for you. Remember when Tom Sawyer had to paint his Aunt Polly’s fence? He conned the neighborhood kids into doing it for him. Tom Sawyer is an American hero – just like the young men and women in our armed forces who pilot attack drones. Drone piloting surely lacks the glamour of humping it through the Helmand River Valley with 100-plus pounds of assorted gear and weaponry, but it definitely gets the job done, proving yet again that with enough money nearly anything is possible. Stringing popcorn garlands and singing Christmas carols doesn’t pay for attack drones or swarms of poison-injecting assassin nanobots. Buying a Nintendo Wii does, however. It also provides good training for the war of the future. Sharpened sticks are out; joysticks are in. Someday, if Americans can just cough up the cash, the roughly 1.4 million active U.S. military personnel in the world will all be equipped with their own predator drone and pocketful of poison-injecting assassin nanobots. That way they can sit safely in some underground bunker and unleash unmitigated hell on whichever unfortunate meat puppet has the audacity to challenge truth, justice, and the American way. As always, the tricky part to making this happen is coming up with the money. We can’t just ask the red Chinese to fork over trillions of dollars for us to build an unstoppable remote-controlled robot army. The red Chinese are not chumps. We have to backdoor this deal by mindlessly running up our credit-card debt. That will put the economy on hyperdrive and allow for some really lavish defense spending. Yes, at some point the red Chinese will try to collect their money, but all our military might rest assured that the knock on America’s door will be a very polite, timid tap. Of course, if you’re going to spend money to preserve America’s military world dominance, there’s no better place to do it than at the Armadillo Christmas Bazaar, which runs daily from 11am to 11pm through Christmas Eve at the Palmer Events Center. The Armadillo Christmas Bazaar is an Austin institution and a great place to purchase unique and interesting gifts made by Austin-area artists. You’ll also get to hear live music performed by some of Austin’s most beloved bands. Who knows? Something this fun might eventually end up on a Nintendo Wii … or maybe some things are just too much fun for a joystick.