January 22, 2008

You might be tempted to question the wisdom of Alamo Drafthouse in preceding their Air Sex Championships this Saturday night with a screening of There Will Be Blood. The bill sounds a little “dark ages” – as if the air sex competitors have to hoist a stained sheet to prove they’ve consummated their imaginary act. That would be impressive though, Wouldn’t it? If the promo video is any indication, not all air sex is virgin sex – at least not as it’s pantomimed. The competitors however, are another matter entirely. It’s fairly safe to say that whoever came up with the idea of air sex (well, actually it was the Japanese) didn’t do so as a response to getting bored with the real thing. Apparently if you wait around long enough, even the worst air pocket becomes a reasonable substitute for a meat pocket. We’d like to think American society isn’t nearly as repressed. Here in the states, air sex is traditionally relegated to hack comedy routines, excessive end zone celebrations, and obscene gestures by construction workers stranded on girders. That is, until the culturally co-optive folks down at the Drafthouse dropped air sex into their lineup. It turns out that the Japanese are only air sex dilettantes. The real pros live right here in River City. If you’re swelling with pride about Austin’s previously untapped talent, consider this: It’s not because Austin is teeming with savvy sluts and skilled swordsmen. No, most air sexers get their training just like everyone else: Online. That’s understandable. Unless you’re Ron Jeremy, Traci Lords, Mick Jagger, Pamela Anderson, or Wilt Chamberlin, your real-life experience with visually robust scenarios like double penetration, bukkake, and analingus is going to be relatively limited. However, through the miracle of the internets, even the most undefiled virgin can find a treasure trove of information on the biomechanics of freaky sex – certainly enough to bluff their way through a frenzied pantomime of a muff and duff with a couple of monstrously hung weightlifters or maybe a dizzying ride in a Vietnamese spin fuck chair. Question is: Will that be enough to impress the judges? Hard to say. Then again, maybe it really isn’t about the judges. After all, this is air sex, so you can pretty much start with the supposition that everyone’s a loser and has nowhere to go but up, both figuratively and literally. That kind of sick, sweaty desperation always leads to bizarre and entertaining situations, and you wouldn’t want to miss them, would you? Yes, the competition will be fierce, and There Will Be Blood, but only the imaginary kind which, like the air sex, won’t stain your clothing.