January 5, 2011

Club de Ville CLOSED

It’s scary out there. Birds are dropping from the sky. Fish are washing up dead. Crazy shit is happening. The good news is that it’s mostly in Arkansas, and Arkansas is always scary and crazy. Then again, God may just be pissed about the new Walmart logo, which is surely by now universally acknowledged as a line-art replica of a puckered anus. Hey Waltons, times are bad, but do we need to be reminded of it by the old red-eye (well, technically it’s yellow, which may be a nod – wink? – at Walmart’s largest trading partner)? More likely it’s symbolic of how the average Walmart customer feels when shopping there. It’s like a little, yellow warning sign that says if you want low, low prices, you’re going to have to bend over. As for the birds and fish, it seems unlikely that God would take his Wal-wrath out on them, but God always seems to throw curveballs when it comes to moral logic. For instance: The Haitian earthquake. Dude, WTF? Sure, the Haitians are big pot smokers and dabble in voodoo – hell, some of them probably even occasionally engage in acts of sodomy – but that shit seems a little much, especially when there are so many other more deserving assholes. Maybe God hasn’t yet invented smart-wrath technology. Maybe that earthquake in Haiti was supposed to smite Osama bin Laden and God missed by a few thousand miles. Hey, it’s a big universe, so it’s probably a miracle He was within a few light years, right? By that measure the floods in Pakistan were nearly a bull’s-eye. Who knows? It’s possible God actually did smite Osama with the Pakistani floods. Osama can’t be much of a swimmer with that bum kidney and hipster beard. Glub glub. If he’s still alive, well, he’s going to catch hell when he gets to hell, that’s for sure. Then again, maybe Satan will go easy on him for being such a massive dickhead. If hell has a VIP section, you have to think Osama has earned a spot in it. Walmart, on the other hand, may be evil, but it hasn’t yet busted its homicidal cherry. If there was money in it, maybe, but Walmart would prefer to keep you around to enjoy its shitty, plastic-tasting food and cheaply made, ill-fitting clothing until you die from cadmium poisoning. Hey, if you want to live longer, don’t suck on your Chinese-made plastic jewelry. In fact, you should probably ask yourself why you’re buying Chinese-made plastic jewelry in the first place. Maybe God actually does have smart-wrath technology, but it only works on stupid people. That doesn’t help explain the dead birds in Arkansas however. Yes, birds are stupid, but they’re intelligently designed to be stupid. You can’t fault them for that. They are, by nature, bird-brained. They are also blessed with the undeniable innocence of the simpleminded. So really, the best explanation must be that those birds in Arkansas were the beginning of the Rapture. Yep, it’s the end of times, and apparently those nitwitted critters scored first-class seats on the flight to eternal bliss. Either that or they made first contact with some really hostile aliens. Either scenario doesn’t bode well, so it’s time to seriously ramp up the partying. Good thing it’s Free Week down on Red River. No cover charge means you can spend more money on booze – booze that kills brain cells, ideally the ones that are stressing about the dead birds. Get your party started at Club de Ville, a laid-back bar with reasonably priced drinks and skilled bartenders. This Friday, the free weekend kicks off with First Friday Frolic, a gratis lineup of local acts including BK & Mr. E, Eagle Eye Williamson, Erin Ivey, Monarchs, Stereo Is a Lie, One Hundred Flowers, DJ I Wanna Be Her, and DJ uLOVEi. Rest assured the beats will carry you away before the Rapture does.