APRIL 2, 2007

If you’re too young to remember the O’Jays, outstanding. You’re right in the Chronicle’s target demographic – or at least on the very fringes of it. If you’re old enough to remember actually dancing to the O’Jays, you’re probably wearing a Medic-Alert bracelet and living in Sun City. Congratulations on scoring a copy of the Chronicle. Kudos as well for actually flipping back to the personals – even if it is just an amusing stopover on your way back to the escort agency ads. Hey, just because your skin has more grooves than an old 45 of “Love Train” doesn’t mean you still can’t get on it every now and then. Right? Doesn’t mean you can’t pop a few Viagra, slip on a Hawaiian shirt (don’t break a hip trying to be hip) and ride the golf cart down to the activity center to troll for some senior strange. At your age, every girl used to be somebody’s girl – maybe even your girl depending on whether you’re keeping up with your Alzheimer’s meds. Even still, you can bet that girl’s got plenty good lovin’, and while no one would argue that the smooth skin, flexibility, and enthusiasm of youth hold their allure, there’s plenty to be said for someone who will fuck you like there’s no tomorrow … literally. That’s probably why you’re always getting cock-blocked by that surprisingly nimble nonagenarian with the dowager’s hump and the tennis-ball walker. He knows: Experience is priceless. He also probably has an original copy of “Brandy” queued up back at his condo. If the preceding sentence confuses you, “Brandy” is sort of an aural roofie for anyone who peaked sexually in the disco era. That’s a huge list, one that probably includes your parents and maybe even their parents. Yes, their musical minds may have wandered into unhealthy realms like arena rock, new folk, jazz, or any of Sting’s post-Police releases, but their asses still belong to groups like the O’Jays, and sweet, soulful songs like “Brandy.” If you want to find out why, beat it over to Auditorium Shores Saturday for the Urban Music Festival. Starting at 11am you get to hear some of the best local jazz, R&B, and hip-hop followed by Atlanta neo-soul singer Anthony David, Minnesota R&B artists Mint Condition, 80s funk band Cameo (word up!), and the aforementioned authors of “Love Train,” “Used to Be My Girl” and “Brandy.” You may still be too young to be experienced, but you can at least show the requisite enthusiasm.