December 7, 2011

No matter what Jesus said, Christmas is no time to jump off the materialism bandwagon. You may think you’re doing good by feeding the hungry or clothing the homeless, but you’re really just perpetuating the recession by spending money on people who can’t reciprocate. That’s just bad math. Jesus might have been a pretty decent carpenter, but he wasn’t much of an economist. “Sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor.” WTF JC? If poor people knew how to manage money they wouldn’t be poor, would they? They would all be fund managers, loan officers, and stock brokers – the kind of criminals it takes hundreds of billions of dollars to bail out – not the toothless meth heads or crack-smoking welfare mommas you can bail out with obtuse promises of sexual favors or a well-laundered pimp roll of fives and ones with a Benjamin wrapped around the outside. Yes, meth and crack generate income, but drug dealers spend almost as little on taxes as 1 Percenters. At least drug dealers have to keep up appearances. So if you’re planning on dropping some coin during the holiday season, do it on the up and up – ideally on a big-bank credit card with an unconscionably usurious interest rate that has an irresistible cash-back incentive. Cash back? Why would you not want to spend money? You would have to be a complete idiot. Speaking of, make sure you’re blowing your credit-card money on someone who will hit you back with an equally exorbitant gift purchased on an equally usurious credit card. This is how we grow the economy – not by volunteering in soup kitchens or clothing drives or by building houses with Habitat for Humanity but by fully embracing the spirit of giving – even if we have to borrow money to do it. After all, didn’t Jesus say, “It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven?” The good news is that even if you have a Hummer with gold spinny rims, a Rolex Presidential, and a luxury high-rise condo Downtown, as long as you’re over your head in debt, you’re technically poor. You might think you have too much personal integrity to get into heaven on a technicality, but really … if it came down to it … of course you would. Think of those times you got into the VIP section just because you were with a friend. Did you enjoy the top shelf and hors d’oeuvres any less? Did you wish you were slumming it down in the proletarian scrum of the Unimportant People Section? Hardly. A rose by any other pretext still smells as sweet, doesn’t it? Do you think God will know or care if you only buy gifts for people you know will feel obligated to give you something back? Doesn’t it seem a bit arrogant to assume God is checking in on you personally? Doesn’t He have bigger fish to fry? For instance: You gotta figure Kim Kardashian is getting more heavenly attention than you, if only because of media saturation. In fact, she might be sucking up all the creator’s time – just like she does CNN’s. There is a very good chance – in a spiritual sense at least – that you’re flying way under the radar. That’s a liberating thought, isn’t it? Maybe all you have to do to punch your ticket to paradise is make sure your moral compass doesn’t point to hard toward Jersey Shore. Or maybe there’s no paradise at all. Maybe the terrestrial plane is the only plane you get to board and it’s up to you and the rest of the passengers to tidy up the aisles. That last scenario makes a pretty strong argument against buying more shit, but damn it all, it’s the season of giving, and the easiest way to show you’re giving is to actually give something tangible – something you can wrap in paper or at least drop into one of those gift bags that show you’ve had it with gift wrapping. As much as you would like to stimulate the national economy, you might want to reign in your ambition and start local. Selfish as it seems, local stimulation feels pretty good. Try it and see for yourself this weekend at the 10th anniversary of the Cherrywood Art Fair, an annual event that showcases original art from lots of local artists as well as food from local food trucks and live music. This year’s lineup includes Troy Campbell, the Boxcar Preachers, Colin Gilmore, Jeremy Steding, the Coffee Sergeants, and Eric Blakely, among others. That ought to stimulate you well enough.