April 8, 2008

As interesting as everyone makes it out to be, sex is one of the most unoriginal things you can do as (or with) a human being … ditto for just about every other vertebrate as well. You had sex. Big whoop. We’re supposed to applaud? Do you expect a big pat on the back for breathing, taking a whiz, or going No. 2? Yes, sex is an activity you share in common with Brangelina, George Clooney, and Heidi Klum, but you also share it with Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump, and that guy with the plumber’s crack who works the suck hose on the honey-dipper truck. Get some. Birds do it; bees do it; even educated fleas do it. What makes you think you’re so special? Really, the amazing thing – the anomaly is when you’re not doing it. As any priest will tell you, abstinence takes balls. You really have to not want to. You have to be absolutely unwilling to take matters into your own hands. You have to get right with the harebrained notion that nature will just take its course and hop right in your lap – and with ample lubrication. Not even Jesus could pull that off, so why should you? And yet, even if you’re not pulling it off, regular sex can get monotonous after a while. Even Dr. Ruth would agree that for the most part, it’s just in-out, in-out, until the right amount of friction/stimulation is achieved. Of course, sex is much more complicated than that, especially when explored in an HBO special. In the real world, however, people don’t need a lot of whistles and bells to pop off – at least not the first few thousand times. Once you have the hang of things, though, the general consensus is that it’s good to mix it up a bit, maybe bring in some vegetables or a well-manicured hamster or a goat or a monkey or maybe even the entire Sugar’s lunch shift. Some magazine articles will tell you that the best sex organ is your imagination. That may be right, but the more likely explanation is that they just don’t want to show the pictures. Everybody knows that pound for pound, the best sex organs are the kind that end with an “is.” Ask Clinton. He liked his is wrapped in a Lewinsky. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have an intern under their desk or a sugar daddy who’ll use them as a makeshift humidor. The vast swath of humanity has a different fall-back plan: Objects that stimulate the ises – inanimate pleasure slaves that fit in the nightstand or maybe your Dooney & Bourke. Until recently (the day before Valentine’s, to be exact), those objects were considered to be “obscene devices” according to Texas Penal Code. It took us 27 years to loosen up, but we finally did, and to celebrate, Forbidden Fruit is having a Sex Toy Coming Out Party this Saturday, April 12, from 2pm to 6pm. Enjoy live music from Heather Bishop’s Graceful Riot and Tribella, and witness the ceremonial removal of signs and release forms from the obscene devices. There will also be lots of free stuff and a drawing for a “rabbit habit,” which, though it has a little hare on it, doesn’t need to be manicured.