MON., NOV. 27, 2006

Spending the holidays broke and homeless was good enough for Jesus, but here in America that dog won’t hunt. We have an economy to think about. We have an $8.6 trillion deficit. We can’t spend the holiday season staggering around, wassailing, singing carols, and swapping spit under the mistletoe. December was meant to be spent spending – not at tittie bars, porn shops and racetracks, but at shopping malls and big-box behemoths like Ikea and Best Buy; places where we can get cheap, foreign-made consumer goods and pay for them on credit. Peace and joy are all well and good, but peace and joy don’t keep our boys in body armor, tax dollars do, and the best way to increase tax dollars is to kick-start the economy with rampant, mindless spending – the same kind of fiscal irresponsibility that gave us an $8.6 trillion deficit. Shit, Jesus wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of money. Fishes and loaves? Please. Try blowing $8.6 trillion on fishes and loaves. You couldn’t spend $8.6 trillion on caviar and crackers, and even if you could, people would be too bloated and sleepy to even start a decent food fight, much less a full-scale insurgency. Besides, feeding the hungry isn’t how the American government rolls. Think about it this way: You can teach a hungry man to fish, but that takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. However, if you shoot a hungry man, he stops eating for the rest of his life. Bottom line is that humanitarian aid requires too much customer service and has very limited profitability. Halliburton has never received a no-bid contract to run soup kitchens in Mosul and it’s unlikely the Pentagon will ever pay $400 for a Salisbury steak. Sure, you might be able to win hearts and minds with humanitarian aid, but the only way to be sure you’re winning hearts and minds is to zip them into body bags. Body bags, and the ordinance to fill them up cost a lot of cheese, so spend, spend, spend. It’s a great way to get into the holiday spirit … or you could join John Aielli Saturday night for his holiday sing-along and tree lighting ceremony at the Capitol. John was born around the time of Jesus himself and he’s an accomplished vocalist, so he knows what he’s doing. That alone is a rare commodity at the Capitol. Also, unlike shopping, the sing-along is free, but you’re encouraged to bring money or food donations for the Capital Area Food Bank so they can hand them out to the broke and homeless and save a few bullets.