Mach 30, 2011

The old adage “It’s not what you got but how you use it” has always been the go-to phrase of the modestly endowed, but after several thousand years of selling the sizzle instead of the steak, it just may be that the little guys have a point, no matter how tiny. According to a recent national sex study, penis size is irrelevant when it comes to giving females pleasure. Yes, that’s both length and girth. This information will surely come as a blow to the penis enlargement industry, whose stock and trade has always been the bottomless well of male insecurity. Turns out size doesn’t really matter after all. So, regardless of whether your sausage is from Vienna or Italy, you still have the same chance of giving a woman the big O. How about that? No need to spend sleepless nights wondering if the size of your wang had anything to do with the fact that your lover was checking her cell phone or reading a People magazine over your shoulder while having sex. Don’t hate the player … hate the game. What may be lacking in your game is vigor, enthusiasm, and a true desire to please – the three factors cited in the study as crucial to female sexual fulfillment. Sure, those kidney-cracking porn penises look impressive even in harshly lit adult videos, but the consensus among average women is that it’s not the size of the dinghy, it’s the motion of the ocean. Yes, you may sometimes feel like a BB rattling around in a bucket, but maybe that’s just because the bucket isn’t wet enough. Maybe you need to work faster, not harder. It doesn’t hurt to be hard, but being hard isn’t enough. You still have to do the work. If nothing else, the study underscores the uselessness of playing the blame game. No longer can your lover point and laugh at your tiny bits and pieces and say, “That’s not working for me.” Wrong! Science is now on your side, and science says it can! Of course, by the same token you can no longer complain that her vajayjay is the size of a first baseman’s mitt. In fact, equipment is immaterial, and science says that yours can handle everything from the Grand Canyon all the way down to a plastic squeeze coin purse, as long as you know how to work it. What a relief! Now the only thing you have to worry about regarding your sex organ is how to grind it properly. No problem! The Innerwebs have thousands and thousands of instructional videos and illustrations to help you do just that. All you have to do is bone up! Remember: It’s not the instrument, but how well you play it. If you’ve been in Austin for more than a couple of weeks, you’ve probably seen that in action. Some scruffy-looking dude pulls an old guitar out of a closet at a party and just blows your mind. Yes, that takes talent, but more importantly, it takes hours and hours of practice and dedication to the craft. If it were all about talent, there would only be one or two ass-kicking guitarists in Austin, but it isn’t. That’s why there are hundreds. The same is true of singer-songwriters. It’s not enough to just have talent; you have to work it. This Friday, one of Austin’s most talented singer-songwriters, Dane Sterling, will be playing at Ginny’s Little Longhorn, one of Austin’s most iconic dive bars/honky-tonks. Sterling has great pipes and songs to match. More importantly, he’s put in the work. Friday he’s sharing the bill with Miss Leslie & the Juke Jointers, classic honky-tonkers from Houston. Ginny’s may be tiny, but it’s been proven that size doesn’t matter, even on April Fools’ Day.