FEB. 5, 2007

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Question is: How can you parlay this once-a-year, bullshit greeting card event into something more meaningful like hot monkey sex (monkey sex in this case being a metaphor for energetic, acrobatic coitus with another human being and not sex with an actual monkey, even with that monkey’s implicit consent through a liberal interpretation of grunts, gestures, and facial expressions)? Seems like it ought to be a slam-dunk, doesn’t it? Unfortunately people are complicated – maybe even more complicated than monkeys … at least ideally. People are always wanting you to jump through hoops. You can’t just go up to people, sniff their crotch, and mount them with vigor and enthusiasm. Doesn’t work that way. At the very least they’re going to want you to learn their name and astrological sign. More likely they’ll want you to show a couple of major forms of ID, a credit card, and a college diploma. Getting some can sometimes be a big hassle. It’s no wonder so many people choose to just stay at home on the couch swathed in cat-haired polyester fleece, watching Lost and polishing off a sleeve or two of Thin Mints before lapsing into a blissful slumber. And really, who’s to say that’s not every bit as valid a sensory experience as wrestling the naked cast of One Tree Hill in an inflatable kiddie pool greased with Astroglide? Life is so full of exciting possibilities that don’t involve the exchange of bodily fluids and yet, for some reason, people are willing to do just about anything for the squish and squirt. Think about it. What else could explain Jovan Musk, camel toes, bluetooths (teeth?), and Camaros? OK, maybe there is some sort of cosmic procreation imperative or maybe it’s simply God, and she’s still all hot and bothered from the big bang – doesn’t matter. The only way to get on it is to get on it, so if you have to go Billyjack once a year with some blunt scissors, Elmer’s Glue and red construction paper in order to get in spittin’ distance of the godhead, that’s a pretty fair trade. Sure, there are other methods, but they’re equally unreliable. First and foremost you need to sidle up to the object of your affection, be it man, woman, or monkey, and start the ball rolling. One way to do that is to go on a date. This Saturday, KVRX is hosting a Couple Skate Valentine’s Day Benefit at Skateworld, Austin, a place that might as well be on Pluto in its geographical relation to KVRX, but they’ve never been known for their lucrative fundraisers and sometimes … well … you just have to work for it, right? Seven dollars gets you skating plus three bands and two DJs. The rest is up to you, Tiger, but there’s a decent chance you’ll run out of gas on the way home.