April 22, 2008

It’s a good thing Texans were smart enough to put in all those toll roads before gas got so expensive. We probably couldn’t even afford to build them now what with the economy swirling down the toilet. Imagine what it would cost to haul all that concrete these days. Fortunately, folks around here were farsighted enough to plan for the future, which is why we built six lanes of toll road access to pastureland out in Manor. Fuck it. People are eventually going to get tired of those breathtaking West Austin Hill Country views and demand to live downwind from the dump and closer to the flea market. Sooner or later, those happy rubes out in Lakeway are going to grow weary of driving their Hummers and Escalades up those steep grades and swap them for Smart Cars and solar-powered manufactured green housing. It’s only a matter of time. Meanwhile, think of all the money and gas we’re saving as we whoosh down those huge empty concrete slabs in our Tex-tagged, half-ton four-wheel drive extend-a-cabs on the way to the office. It’s a long, lonely drive, but when you own a rugged half-acre of well-graded, treeless suburbia, you need a vehicle with a headache rack, a chrome-plated brush guard, and all-terrain mud tires that can negotiate a 5% incline driveway and tow your his-and-hers Sea-Doos out to the boat ramp at Carlos’n Charlie’s. Yes, it’s painful to have to shell out the better part of a hundie every week at the Tiger Mart, but it beats the indignity of having to share personal space at the Park-n-Ride with all those state worker commuter chumps. Plus, where would you put your matching “Bud” and “Sissy” personalized Texas license plates? And do you think that those new light-rail commuter trains are going to have gun racks, spittoons, or deer-poaching spotlights? Think again. They’ll probably have Internet access, though, which will be really nice when gas hits $10 a gallon and the only economical way to get to your big suburban spread will be by train or mule. Now might be a good time to get right with public transportation – maybe learn to interact with real people on a daily basis, learn how to be friendly again. That’s what Texas is all about anyway, isn’t it? Friendliness? Isn’t that our state motto or something? It’s also a town in Texas, but you probably can’t afford to drive there. Instead, you could take the bus down to Waterloo Park this Saturday for the Lone Star State Jam, a full day of Texas and Red Dirt (code word: Oklahoman) music benefiting Young Texans Against Cancer and the Dell Children’s Medical Center. Tickets are $32.50, but that’s way less than you’d spend driving to Friendship, and you get to see these exciting acts: Kevin Fowler, Cross Canadian Ragweed (the other CCR), the Eli Young Band, Cory Morrow, Roger Creager, Wade Bowen, Bleu Edmondson, Adam Hood, Ryan James, and the Bart Crow Band. And if it makes you feel any better, most of these acts will be arriving in buses, too.